Sometimes I find it hard to find my inner peace in life... especially when the world around me gets crazy.
I get jealous of people who can keep their cool all the time.
I wish I could be as ignorant as other people who haven't been through the things that I have been through or seen the stuff that I have.
In fact I would do ANYTHING to be ignorant about death and loss.
I react so differently to things now.
On Saturday the verdict for the Zimmerman trial came out.. and it really got to me. Not the verdict so much but people's reactions. I just tried to avoid it as much as possible... and I hid anyone that yapped on about it on my fb timeline. I just wasn't in the mood.
And on the same night I read about the death of Cory Monteith. Seriously????
And at 3am I layed wide-eyed in my bed just pondering it.
And then it hit me.
A fucking panic attack!
GOD I AM SO SICK OF PANIC ATTACKS.
They make me feel out of control. And like I am dying. Like the world is caving in.
Even with Ryan asleep next to me I can feel completely alone when having a panic attack. I try so hard to convince myself that it's in my head and I can control it. But I can't. I have to let it pass.
So, I got out of bed... hand on my chest... heart pacing out of control... and I made a milk bath.
It helped somewhat.
And so did the clonapin I took... although I wish more than anything I could turn the panic around without medication. But I just can't.
Then I cried.
And I wanted to wake up Ryan but felt bad for doing so... so I dealt with it by myself.
But how does one live in complete peace?
How can I better prevent these feelings of anxiety and tension?
How can I avoid all the bad news in the world?
Please God, give me Peace.