Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Finding Peace

Sometimes I find it hard to find my inner peace in life... especially when the world around me gets crazy. 
I get jealous of people who can keep their cool all the time. 
I wish I could be as ignorant as other people who haven't been through the things that I have been through or seen the stuff that I have.
In fact I would do ANYTHING to be ignorant about death and loss. 

I react so differently to things now.

On Saturday the verdict for the Zimmerman trial came out.. and it really got to me. Not the verdict so much but people's reactions. I just tried to avoid it as much as possible... and I hid anyone that yapped on about it on my fb timeline. I just wasn't in the mood. 
And on the same night I read about the death of Cory Monteith. Seriously????

And at 3am I layed wide-eyed in my bed just pondering it. 
And then it hit me. 
A fucking panic attack! 
They make me feel out of control. And like I am dying. Like the world is caving in. 
Even with Ryan asleep next to me I can feel completely alone when having a panic attack. I try so hard to convince myself that it's in my head and I can control it. But I can't. I have to let it pass.

So, I got out of bed... hand on my chest... heart pacing out of control... and I made a milk bath. 
At 4am.
It helped somewhat. 
And so did the clonapin I took... although I wish more than anything I could turn the panic around without medication. But I just can't.
Then I cried.
And I wanted to wake up Ryan but felt bad for doing so... so I dealt with it by myself.
It passed.
I lived.

But how does one live in complete peace?
How can I better prevent these feelings of anxiety and tension?
How can I avoid all the bad news in the world?

Please God, give me Peace.

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