Sunday, April 17, 2011

the road to transformation

A popular quote in the grief community is "ruin is a gift. ruin is the road to transformation."
ok, mainly the widow community. because our loss really does RUIN us. And if you were in shoes such as mine....John's death made the rest of my life seem bleak. It didn't really feel like I had much of a future left ahead of me. The darkness was all around and I refused to believe there would be a light.

April 22 is almost here.
365 days worth of grief.
365 days missing John.
365 days worth of transformation.

My growth since April 22 of 2010 cannot truly be measured. And whatever you would use to measure it... I would go beyond it's capability.
But even though there has been growth... I will only continue to grow and learn from my experience. for the rest of my life.
John's death is making me who I am. It's making me who I will be. It's made me who I am today. I have not changed completely.... but I know for certain I am NOT the same. Maybe in good ways. perhaps in some bad ways.

I have grown stronger through this journey due to many, many people....
my loving family, supportive friends, the kindness of strangers that have heard my story through my blog or through my mouth, and then finally... through the adoration of my new love, Ryan. His unconditional love and support amazes me daily. As soon as I met Ryan I felt this surge of confidence restored into my life. And as our relationship continues to grow I know that I will only continue to grow. Not just because of Ryan's pressence in my life... but a big part, yes.

I NEVER thought last year this time I would be here.

I had just gotten back from North Carolina... wedding dress shopping with my family. Crying over "the one" dress we KNEW I had to have. John had just gotten back from Dayton after a great season with TCI... feeling a little under the weather but still completely excited about what our future had in store for us. Completely content. Completely in love. on cloud 9.
it only was a few days later that made the happiest time in my life to the most horrific.

and now....

where can I say I stand?
I am nervous to proclaim the happiness I have inside right now. because I am.... happy... though.
I am also sad. Sad that those dreams never came to fruition. That I was stripped from something I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. And that I was stripped away from the man I was absolutely smitten for.
and who I never thought could ever be replaced.
and i was right.
who could ever replace John, truly?
But even ryan knows this answer..

no one.

My love... has not transformed.
my love for John.
It's the one thing that has remained a constant.
because there was nothing that broke our love.
just distance. heaven and earth.
I have kept his space in my heart. it has a permanent residence.
And I have created a new space.
For Ryan.
and for my friends, family, and even strangers that have been there for me throughout all of it. the good times, the saddest of times, and the new times. the time of renewal. out of my ruins.

I am a Phoenix.
And I am rising from the ash!


Emma said...

Thinking of you as you approach the 1 year anniversary. Your transformation has been full of grace and wonderful to "watch".

Marie said...

I came across your blog today...I hope you are surrounded by people who love you...and who you can share all your happy, sad, new, old and beautiful memories with. My fiance lost his wife 5 years ago and we are getting married in two reading your story now resonates deeply in my heart. His wife's best friend is coming to the wedding. I am a little nervous about it...I want her there...but I feel guilty taking this amazing man who was supposed to be someone elses. But all I can do is promise I will love him right? Sorry for blubbering....thank you for blogging...and again I hope you make it through this difficult day surrounded with love. cyber hugs.

Anonymous said...

Oddly found your blog for the first time on the anniversary...prayers from Ohio.