Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:
It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.
One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed.
Because I truly believe it's a God thing.
And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.
John was AMAZING.
We had a relationship people could envy.
We figured it out.
We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like.
When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.
In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all.
It just didn't seem possible.
Guys were scum. I found the best one.
What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?
You eventually find someone...
and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way.
And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect.
And this person loves you for who you are.
and they don't judge your past.
and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.
and will do anything to make you happy.
I struck gold twice.
I have found the two most amazing men in the world.
God sent me not one... but TWO angels.
I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.
I still have a fear of him being taken from me.
and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.
because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.
I try so hard to push away the fear.
To pull out of dark thoughts.
To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.
I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.
It's what I deserve.
Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.