Saturday, October 29, 2011

1.2.3. freak out time

i was sitting on the couch next to ryan.
and he had been waiting to tell me something.
i am usually good about these things... about if someone is holding back on me.
i wait.

Ryan looks a bit concerned.

He then goes on to tell me that while he had been driving that day he had gotten light headed and thought he was going to pass out. he said he had pains in his chest. (insert dire panic here) He went on saying that he was currently feeling those chest pain again and he thought it would be a good idea to head to the doctor.

this is where my own inner panic started to take control.

What did I want to do???

run away.
scream. yell.

What did I have to do??

be a big girl.
take the lead.
control myself.

My body was moving in a sort of slow motion inside my head even though I knew I was rushing around on the outside. We went in the car and i didn't want to talk. i didn't want the details. mainly because i was afraid of them. i was trying the best i could not to start having a panic attack or let my mind wander to a dark place. and i didn't want to have to take my medicine. i just wanted to be there for him. i wanted to be the normal girlfriend that he deserves to have that should handle these situations rationally and say "i am sure it is nothing, honey." i don't want to make his fears worse. just because the worst has happened to me before. and it's hard to believe in the "it's just nothing, my dear."

we went to a clinic.
and they sent us to the ER.
typical stuff.

i was doing ok.
i wasn't losing it.
i was very calm as we drove to the ER.
I started to plan out how it would pan out.
I already threw working the next day out the window.
I didn't want to text or call anyone and let them know we were going to the ER.
It was like I thought it I admitted it then something would happen. like i was jinxing everything. I didn't want to even believe this was happening. to take ryan to the ER because of chest pain.
As we were signing in to the ER I went to the restroom.
I started crying.
ya know... the ugly kind.

it lasted a minute.
i gave myself that much.

then i went back to ryan.

we made sure the nurses were aware of my past experience. you could tell i was taking it a little harder than most. i have this pasted face of fear. as much as i try and be the bigger person and take care of my boyfriend... i am a damaged and wounded grieving woman who cannot handle the loss of another person I am in love with. 
just walking through the hospital doors was like taking a knife and slowly pushing it through my chest.
it was absolute torture.
fast forward 4 hours......

after watching ryan get EKGs an bloodwork and Xrays.... we found out that he was in perfectly good health as far as his heart goes. he has some inflammation in his chest and will be on steroids for a week. It was an absolute relief to hear. although because of my past experiences i feel like ryan has been a little more paranoid about things and so we followed up with his doctor and have been taking every precaution possible to make sure he is 100%.

and poor ryan.... not feeling well and also upset for hurting me.
you could tell it was hard for him to tell me. you could tell it kills him to make me worry and hurt.
i hate that before his own health he puts my own feelings first.
he just wants me to feel good and be happy.
it's what we want for each other.

In my mind i started to run through what life would be like without this worry.
the only way that would be possible would be that if i didn't date ryan.
or anyone for that matter.
the only way to never be worried or hurt is to be single forever.
and i just don't think that is something i could ever do.

so, for now I am gonna take a risk at life. as i did before... and be with ryan.
he's worth it.
and he's healthy.
and we are in God's hands.

                                                   ryan being brave and taking it like a champ.

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