Sunday, October 23, 2011

waiting for my happiest

i need a break.

from all the reminders of what i do not have.

why is it that i turn on the tv and watch shows like "my fair wedding" or go online and look at pictures of my friend's weddings or engagement rings.
is it that i like torturing myself?
do i have some sick obsession with making myself upset or jealous?

or is it that i truly still love  that stuff.
ya know, love.

watching people on their happiest of happiest days.
their happy endings.
the beginning of their futures.
a place where i have yet to be.

and lingering towards the....

"late twenties."

i just long for that day.
of actually being the wife i always knew i could be.
or dreamed of being.

as long as it isn't stripped away from me.



Anonymous said...

or you could be reminded of how you fortunate you are to have found another person who loves you and cares about you just as John did.

Emma said...

I can only imagine how hard it is to truly "let go" and let yourself enjoy what you have found again. To believe it will be around forever and to allow yourself to truly fall into that without a guard up would be tough after the loss of John-but I think as time continues that will happen. I think you have an amazing future ahead of you that will involve all those things, no, not in the timing you planned but it will be incredible nonethless and truly, will probably be even sweeter because of what you have lost and because you know how to truly appreciate it. I hope as you continue on this journey the belief that it WILL happen becomes easier and more real and I look forward to reading all about it! Hugs, Em

Autumn said...

ms. or mr. anonymous... you're right. i should just shut the hell up and be thankful. thanks :)