Saturday, April 7, 2012

One down. One to go.

I survived.
I survived one significant April date.
April 5th was John's birthday.
His second birthday away from Earth.

My second year baking his favorite cake without him getting to taste it.

As usual it's the week building up to important dates that are more stressful than the date itself.
And with everything going on with my job (new school procedures, new evaluations, new FCAT procedures, getting back from Spring Break, MPA month...) it was easy to stress.
It was easy to spiral.


Everyday was a bit of a struggle.
I was moody and unpleasant. I felt the slight pinch of what was coming. What had happened.
The pain of knowing that John wasn't here to celebrate his own life.
The pain of remembering what had been and what would have been.

My hardest day was April 4th.
I cried multiple times that day.
Once in front of my students (it was in between classes and they saw the last of what was a small breakdown towards the end of the day).

April 5th wasn't so bad actually.
I made it through the day just fine.
I had told myself I would. I made a promise to myself that I would make it through the day and not let things stress me out beyond missing John.
I wouldn't let the kids bother me. Or other people's problems.
It was a day dedicated to John.
And no one else.

I made John's cake the night before ... with Ryan again. We sang "Happy Birthday" at midnight and the next day I brought the cake to work to share with people. I only shared with a select group of people. The people who cared. The people that knew him. The people that deserved it.

And it's over.
April 5th has come and gone.

And I still haven't been back to Lake Lily.
Even after I promised myself I would go on that day.
The day John dropped to one knee and asked for my hand in marriage.
The day I said yes.

I guess April 5th in the end isn't such a bad day.
It was the most beautiful day ever.
The day John was introduced to the world.
The day he asked me to be his wife.

It's April 22nd.
The day I always dread.

And it's coming faster than I like.

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