Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Pursuit of Happiness.

Have you ever heard a song and loved it so much you literally listened to it over and over and over...

and over...

and over again.

That was me this morning. On my way to work.
I was in a good mood.
I was listening to Pandora radio on the Girl Talk station. ONE OF THE BEST STATIONS EVER!!!!
Then I heard this song by Kid Cudi called "Pursuit of Happiness."
It's a Hip Hop song... and yes, at the beginning it talks about drinking and drugs... but the song SPOKE to me.
Mainly the chorus:

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know that everything that's shining aint always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it.... I'll be good...."

So. I downloaded the song off itunes immediately.
and listened to it the rest of the way to work.
then after work. the whole time home. yes, 30 minute ride home.
then i ran a bubble bath and hooked up my ipod to my Bose and played it again.
my roommate must think I am crazy.

there's always a part talking about dreaming...
he says "tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'... you really don't know about nothing...
tell me what you know about night terrors. nothing!"

I have been having CRAZY dreams once again.
They are completely vivid. They almost always involve John and sometimes randoms like Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 *uhhh*
But most dreams aren't what I want them to be.
I get so upset (mainly jealous here) when I have people come up and say "oh Autumn!! John was in my dreams last night and saying "everything is ok... blah blah blah wonderful things... blah blah."
Separation anxiety? yes. i believe so.

I just don't think some people understand some of the things I think and feel... and dream. What do you know of this nightmare? NOTHING.
I wish I could tell you, friend, how to understand.
I wish I could give my boyfriend the answers on how to make things better.
The last thing he wants is for me to be sad.
Funny, that was the last thing John wanted too.
So, how come that's the main theme here?

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

I had found it once.

I want to find it again.

and keep it.
is that too much to ask?
isn't that a God given right I have?????
Isn't it an American right I have????

It's just something I feel like I am not allowed to keep.
Ok, so I find John.
We make it through the good and the bad. We perfect our relationship. We worked hard to get where we were.
And it was taken.
John died in the peak of happiness.
I have fallen.
far from that happiness which I once sat comfortably with and sipped our cup of happiness tea.
"oh hi, happiness. come sit for awhile. everything is just dandy.... sugar?"

everyone has a different version of happiness.
perhaps yours is money.
perhaps yours is fame.
perhaps yours is to travel the world.

mine is to be in love
to have the love i had before and to continue my story.
to be a wife one day (and a damn fine one at that!!!!)
and to have kids and to love my family.
to focus on raising my family, enjoying my work, and loving everyone whole heartedly.

Pursuing money and fame is difficult. it takes a lot of hard work and charisma. it takes getting the door slammed in your face or switching jobs until you find the right one.
you pursue on your own mainly. if you fail... if you fall... you most likely won't carry others down with you.
Pursuing LOVE is scary!
anything can happen.
you are depending on another person to take care of your heart. another person to trust, to depend on and to love you unconditionally.
with the wounded heart i have... i often fear that if it gets hurt anymore it will surely burst. but, would i rather that than risk never loving again?

Am I lucky enough to fall in love twice and be loved in return???

I'm pursuing it.

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