Monday, March 7, 2011

Ghost of Blogging Past

This isn't my first time blogging.
My blogging adventure started in 2001. yes. 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!

You can find my high school/college blog below:

Sometimes I go back to it and read. I read about things back then that were such a big deal... and now sound quite petty.
my first entry was from my senior year in high school. It was Christmas eve. I am talking about my dog throwing up on the carpet and how christmas has lost it's Christmas spirit. Then I start getting into my obsession with drum corps and specifically my fascination with Phantom regiment.
All of the things that unfolded back then led me to the path I now take.
Let me show you.

It was because of my band director passing away in 2000 that I decided to become a band director and attend FSU.
It was through marching band competitions that I met my boyfriend, Tim.
Tim introduced me to something called drum corps. DCI.
Tim helped convince me to audition at a phantom regiment camp.
at this camp i met my future best friend, allison.
(we didn't know it yet...)
when i didn't make Phantom I decided to fill a spot at Pioneer.
this was where i met my very close friend Meredith and Gordo. People who I still talk to today. a lot actually.
it was through pioneer that i met my next boyfriend, Brian.
it was through Brian that i grew a love for the cavaliers and the state of Michigan.
It was through my education at FSU that I joined the Marching Chiefs and met the best friends I will ever have... including one of my BEST friends... Evan.
because i had a horrible roommate i eventually got a two bed room all to myself.
because of this two bedroom room many good times were had with those said friends in that said room.
it was because of another friend that i decided to end my relationship with Brian. (something at the time i didn't think would happen because i swore he was "the one.")
because i broke up with brian and because lack of interest from that friend it was were i had the chance to follow my heart to a different person.
it was through chiefs AND drum corps that I met him.

it's hard to imagine if things would have gone a different way. back then i was struggling with decisions on college, stressing about what drum corps i would make, worried about making friends in college, dealing with roommates, starting serious relationships and ending them (badly), falling for the wrong people and then falling for the right person. At the time those situations seemed like the end of the world. but yet, my world still spun.
I never knew what the future held for me.
I want to tell the Autumn that wrote this blog to chill out. Enjoy those times now. It's not such a big deal... because you will have a hard road to follow in the future.

and will i look back on this blog one day and have these same feelings? will i be accepting of what happened in the past and the present it will eventually bring me. do things really get better? as of now... they are looking up. looking way more up than before. i can look back in my earlier writing in THIS blog and see such a dramatic change already.
then i compare it to my OLD blog and wow.... life changes quick. it throws curve balls. it doesn't always go the way you planned. it is unpredictable. unchanging. always moving. always exciting. always going.... and will continue to go.
Lyrics from a Regina Spektor say "This is how it works... you're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."

And that's what we have to do.

We have to breathe until our dying breath. And I only hope that as my lungs expand and compress that with each inhale and exhale of my breath...that I give it value in my life. That i don't take advantage of the life i have been given. the chances i have been given to meet amazing people.
and even though i only got john for a little over 5 years....
if God walked up to me and said "Autumn. You can have John. but only for 5 years..." I would say "where do I sign?"
because those years were worth it.
the pain i hold now can't take away the love i had then. nothing can ever take that away from me.

and no pain can also prevent me from trying to be happy again. or accomplishing that happiness. because i feel like i have taken a step. a step in the right direction....
although i am dipping my toes in the water to feel the temperature.... i do long to jump in. a head first dive. because i would love to dive into happiness again. the happiness i have had before. that i still have somewhere. somewhere deep inside of me.

i want to look back on my life one day in the future and be proud of what i accomplished. i want to be proud of how strong i became. i want to be proud of the hurdles i overcame and i want to honor my John by being HAPPY for him. Because really that's all he ever wanted. he didn't mean to hurt me. he would have never wanted me to feel this way. that's why i know that the new relationship i have started is good. because it brings me happiness. a butterfly in your stomach feeling. a can't wait until the next time i see you feeling. a rapid heart rate feeling. the feelings i had once before. and surprisingly had them during my whole relationship with John. they didn't die off completely. just not as intense as the beginning. i forgot what it felt like. the beginning of a relationship. you feel elated... with a small sense of "i can do anything" attitude.
now imagine that coming from someone like me that has lost so much. it's a big deal. because losing John was the most helpless I have ever felt. And now I feel like I can breathe and move again.
i am breathing.
i am finally breathing.

it doesn't mean i am in the clear.
i am VERY aware of what lies ahead.
April is going to be so very hard for me.
And that's where love and support from family and friends comes in.... and me reaching inside myself and pulling out my innermost strength from myself and God.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love "where do I sign"! Thanks for blogging.