for multiple reasons.
life is happening.
School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there.
but something happened this year.
i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.
so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.
i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...
but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.
i couldn't stay.
when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.
i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.
and i did.
and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.
that the stress was just too much for me.
i was just mortified.
that this is where my life had come down to.
where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.
to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications.
as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.
and they did great.
i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.
because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner.
i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.
now.... now that i know....
i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days.
which leads into #3.....
who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.
when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."
this is my new motto.
and will be for the rest of my life.
with Ryan we take it one day at a time.
i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have.
this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.
all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.
someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.
he sees me.
he sees who i am.
and even maybe who i once was.
he doesn't see death.
he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.
he embraces it.
he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.
he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.
obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....
but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.
as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.
NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time.
the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."
All these amazing people in my corner.
some very apparent and present.
some in my corner and are far away.
some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.
i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.
they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes.
it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner.
but, now my eyes are opening.
and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.