Wednesday, June 23, 2010

john dreams. again.

Had another dream about John last night.
I guess I asked for it.
I mean... i was upset that I couldn't even remember a single dream. and now here i am. with dreams with a john that to me... is living... is breathing... is laughing and speaking to me.
we were at the house again.
I was aware that John had myocarditis and that he was going to die. that day.
I told him.
He didn't want to believe me. At first he refused to listen.
I finally convinced him. I was pulling on him and in desperation "John you need to go to the hospital... we don't have much time!!!"
John got in his car. It wasn't his cadillac in my dream. this was some sporty convertible.
i told John to constantly call me and let me know where he was and what was going on. When he called from the hospital he said they were making him wait 45 minutes. I yelled "No no! tell them we know you have myocarditis. you only have 15 minutes left!!"

that was the end of that dream.
then it went on to the next.
me with my friends from Chiefs on a trip to see the Taj Mahal. (sp?)
It was beautiful.

Dreams are so random.
With the John dreams I am always AWARE he is either dead or going to die. And I am trying to save him. This is me not wanting to let it be...
Because my mind i tricking me into thinking I could have done something.
But it's done.
My baby is no longer here.
He can't pick me up off the couch anymore when I fall asleep watching TV and carry me to bed.
He can' t bring up the laundry.
He can't take trips with me and squeeze my hand when the plane takes flight.
He can't stay up with me at night and talk ourselves to sleep.
He can't help me plan for our wedding. pick our colors. pick out cake flavors. pick out flowers... etc..

back to dream land.
and i hope the man of my dream meets me there tonight.
it's a date.


Lindsay said...

I have yet to cry when reading your blog...which I check regularly. However, this post really spoke to my heart. Chris was gone Sun. June 20-Fri night June 25. I had never felt so alone--it was the longest we had been apart since we got married. I was absolutely pathetic...I came home from band camp and watched TV, slept, didn't do a whole lot. I didn't really eat anything. But, I knew that he was coming home, and I looked forward to it. Your last little paragraph "back to dream land, you hope to meet the man of your dreams there, it's a date"...that completely touched my heart. I am so sorry the man of your dreams was taken from you. Lots of love for you--and I will be thinking about you a lot tonight.

Autumn said...

thank you for thinking about me, lindsay.
i know that feeling of feeling pathetic when your other half is away from you. you feel like you can't function correctly. and now I feel like that everyday.
i am having to learn to do everything without John. Although I know he would love to be with me by my side more than anything to help me out.
he was the man of my dreams.
i felt super lucky to have him.
i almost felt like i didn't deserve him sometimes.
like how did i catch him before someone else?

i love you. i will be home wednesday and i will see you then?