Sunday, May 30, 2010

under pressure

i am starting to feel the pressure around me. the pressure to start feeling better.
and the crazy thing is... I just lost John. and the numbness just started to wear off that he's not here anymore.
and so it's like a totally new loss. it's like experiencing it all over again.
i don't even think people mean to pressure me sometimes. they just do.
my dad mentioned to me that "he isn't coming back..." i am very aware of this. i think about this constantly. from the moment i wake up in the morning to the moment my ambien puts me to sleep.
and i think the problem is that others need ME to feel better before they can start to feel better.
they don't want to feel guilty for moving on if i haven't.
and let me tell you. i will NOT be moving on anytime soon. so, if you are waiting for me... you'll be waiting a long time.
i gave my whole heart to John Seay. he was my everything. he was my life and my future. so, pardon me if i am not moving on fast enough for you.

but then there are people i feel who have moved on way too fast.
but then again i feel this way about the world in general. people getting engaged literally a week after John died. people having weddings... attending weddings...
people outside laughing and grilling out and partying.
the world kept spinning when john left the earth. it didn't stop. people went on with their everyday lives and i got stuck here. in this place. in this dark, miserable place without john.
and i am trying to continue my life because i have to. because that is what john would want me to do.
but it is so hard.
because everyone continues their lives from where they left off.
and i am still at that point. the part where i left off. i can't pick up where i left off because John was my life. My life came crumbling down. I don't know where to possibly begin here.

I came to Tallahassee this weekend with Evan to visit some friends.
it was a good decision. it has gotten my mind off of things. but it also has reminded me of a lot of things... from the past... the earlier days of our relationship. i passed the stadium. where i took away john's mallet and where we marched in chiefs together and watched football together. where we went to the university club and tailgated after games with family.
i passed john's old apartment... where we first "Met" and where he and I started our relationship... where we found Cecilia and where we would watch drum corps DVDs and play video games together until 4 am.
i passed my old place... where John basically moved in with me, andrea and kelly. where we would have the themed parties...where john gave us all valentine gifts... where we watched movies in the living room and experimented with recipes and dinners.
i passed restaurants we used to visit... and places we said "one day we will go there..."

we had so many plans. to live out. together.

i woke up this morning with a horrible stomach ache. i usually do now in the morning because once I wake up all I think about is John. It doesn't help I had another John dream last night. Once again i knew he was going to die and that he was sick. but i kept showing up too late and finding him dead.
it must have happened in the dream multiple times. definitely something that would make anyone wake up with stomach aches.
and once i am awake i just sit in bed and go over reality.
and then i get sad.
and then i feel sick.

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