"A combination of strong and lost..."

Lyrics from a Jimmy Eat World song called "Stop."

When I heard it I thought that it described me PERFECTLY. I am a combination of strong and lost.

I have tried to go through this journey as strong as one could be. I am not perfect. And I know I haven't been completely strong... but I think for where I am in this journey... I have been tough enough. But even though I played the tough card I know that I am still completely lost.

But I am on my way to finding myself, this I know.

I took a big step in my journey today. I found a counselor. And I like her... finally

Finding a counselor is VERY similar to dating. Because you will be getting very close with this person... sharing lots of things with them. Sharing your life with them. And I found someone who clicks. Thank God.

It was an interesting first session. I had Kelly join me. And I think that helped me open up a bit more as well as give a different perspective. When I was shy about bringing up a subject.. Kelly would just go on and chime in. And if there was a question I didn't fully know how to understand... Kelly would clue me in on what the outside world saw. It was a bit eye opening. I'm already starting to see how much of a dependent person I am. Even though I can come off as this free spirit individual... I am begging to be around others at all times. I'm not so much comfortable with just being with myself. Its like i need people around me 24/7. For the most part. I have my times when I need to just be alone and be in silence and be still, or sleep, or go away from others. But what I feel like I need more than anything is the company of a good friend or companion that can listen to me, talk to me, laugh with me, hug me and just be there. Even in silence. Their company is rewarding.

My counselor's name is Kim.

She asked me what my goal would be after counseling.

I left it blank on the sheet.... well, Just wrote "IDK"

Because I don't know what Im trying to accomplish here.

If I had to answer honestly... it would be to have John back and get my life to where it was before he left. Which was perfect and simply where I had always wanted to be. Now here I am. Lost.

what are my goals?

What am I living for?

I want to have something to live for. I want to live for someone. I want someone to feel like they need to live for me. Which is what John did. He lived day to day with his goal in life... to make me happy. And I did the same. Now, I don't have that. I don't have a marriage to look forward to or a child or a house to buy. That's not in my future anymore. It's been erased. Not forever. But for now.

So, what's my goal?

What do I want to get out of all of this?

What's going to make me feel better in the end?

Love. That's got to be the biggest part of it. To fill the gaping hole in my life that John has left. And it can't be filled by just anyone. It's need to be a man who's stronger than most men. That can take up the challenge of loving me and accepting the fact that I will always love John. And I will honor his memory for the rest of my life.

I told Kim I was considering writing a book.

But. Who wants to read a book about my life?

Is it interesting enough?

Does it catch the reader?

I think I have some good material. It's just missing something.

the happy ending.

I can't write a book with no ending.

I have to leave my readers with something letting them know that my life turned out ok.

But, this is something I have to experience first before jotting anything down with ink. So, maybe that's what I am needing. To find someone to love again. To care for. To have care for me and admire me and want to be with me. It kills me inside to think of another face replacing John's. His perfect smile and contagious laugh. His witty humor and quick thinking. His smarts and his wisdom. His love for others and his composure. He will be the hardest person to replace. And I am hesitant... to take a step that will take him out of the picture.

I have a homework assignment this week:

I have to make a timeline of our lives together. From day one... August 2003.... to the last day... April 2010. There is soooo much to fill in on that timeline. I am so scared to make it... because Im scared that I may forget things on it. important things. because there were SO many memories. So so so many. And how can you just sum it all up in a timeline?

As I work on the timeline I will update the blog on it's progress. And i will try and publish the final project. i haven't decided the exact way for presentation. but i want it to be memorable. something i can keep for future reference.

I want to keep getting stronger. i want to be strong for myself and for others. o

and i want to eventually find my happy ending to my tragic novel.

I want to find myself. I dont want to be lost anymore. But I know this doesn't happen overnight... or in a few days... or weeks... or months... maybe years....

but I know I want to live my life out. I know john would want me to do the same. Just how is the question. I wish I had a crystal ball to stare into the future. Will I be happy? Will i BE A CAT LADY?

i guess its up to me.

sharing memories

Stories.
When I see people now... they have started opening up and telling me their John stories. I love them. even if they make me cry. which is why people sometimes keep them from me... because they don't want to see me get all worked up. but, it's going to happen one way or another. i get to hear stories from a different perspective. I find them all intriguing... peaking into the part of John's life i wasn't there to experience. (which was very rare. let's be honest)
Yesterday I stopped by the Waldorf to say hello. I found it harder to do than before. I think because I had a bad panic attack last time I was there my body wanted to avoid the situation completely. (this is what happens to people who get panic attacks. i.e.: if you have a panic attack in a train... you might never want to ride a train again thinking it will trigger it again.)
But, i went. i drove down the winding road of Bonnet Creek. The road I rode down many times with John in the cadillac. the first time we went was before the hotel was opened. John just found out he had been hired and we wanted to check it out. we got so far before a security guard turned us away. but he was so excited. he had FINALLY gotten a job. This had been such a long process and he had gone through a few "joke" jobs before he got this one. sales jobs. trying to sell direct TV in Best Buy or even better.... selling windshields at local gas stations. just a lot of stinker jobs. so, landing Waldorf.. .. was inspiring for him. He had big plans in his head. He honestly thought within a few years he could make his way to the top. And he was determined to do so. I supported him completely when he landed the job. Even though he was a bellman... it didn't last. They saw his determination and put him in a front desk position. A drummer. A guy with NO hospitality experience at all. He was working next to Hospitality majors and people working in the business for years. and that just shows his drive. and his passion for working for PEOPLE. how he connected with people. how they were drawn into him.

so, going to the waldorf... sends a wave of emotions and memories back my way.
and as I parked... er... got valet.... i started to get nervous. would people still remember me? would they want to talk to me? would they be too busy for me? would i remember everyone?
but of course... I was remembered and greeted with open arms. i talked to everyone at the front desk for awhile and of course i got the "how are you?" question out of the way first. my answer is still "ok." or even "fine" sometimes. I actually said "good" to someone the other day and regretted it. I felt like a big liar.
The girls and I went to peacock alley (a lounge) for a drink. I sat down and then BOOM. It was memory overload. All my John memories flooded my head. And the creepy feeling touched my skin and waved down my spine that he was gone. something that was beginning to numb. i can't possibly still be in the denial stage, can I?
Georgie (one of John's supervisors...) came down to sit with us. I had not seen her since John's passing because she was overseas right after his passing. She sat and chatted with us and shared her memories.
One of the memories she shared was when the family came for Christmas Eve dinner and John had to work (John worked EVERY holiday. i HATED it. I held a major grudge at the Waldorf for doing it too. He had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Easter... and even on his birthday. ugh. i still get kind of mad thinking about it. like those are now missed memories. but. it's over now.)
So...Georgie's memory.. she said when we all walked in for Christmas Eve dinner John was behind the front desk. She mentioned how his eyes lit up when I walked through the door. I was wear a white and black dress with red high heels. (for Christmas, after all). He talked to Georgie about my shoes and how he couldn't get over that I was wearing them. Georgie's recall wasn't so good on what he said but she said he kept talking about them.
I was tearing up.
John took notice on what I was wearing.
When I had gotten dressed up for dinner that evening... i was dressing for him. i always dressed for him. I wanted him to notice me. to still think i was beautiful/sexy.... whatever made him love me (which he admits were my short shorts in college marching band and my bubble butt!)... and it worked. He noticed me and actually talked to someone about it.
i cried. and Georgie felt bad. the crying is going to happen no matter what. i'll take my chances. i want to hear all the stories i can get. i need to.

Then I got to see John's memory wall in person. It's great. It really is touching. I read all the notes on there that people left each other. I think I want to do an appreciation wall with my students next year in my band room. leave notes for the students and let them leave notes for each other. that way the older kids can encourage the younger ones/etc.

I cried some more leaving. I didn't drive. Waldorf may always bring back these feelings for me. But, like I said before... it's an exposure. THat i need to go through. that has to happen. and if I cry everytime... well, whatever. I am not going to lose contact with such nice, caring people who care a lot about John and a lot about me.


I have nothing planned out today. Which means it might be a job hunting kind of day for the girls. They are getting so frustrated already. It adds an extra sadness to my heart. to watch them struggle for jobs. i am so lucky to still have mine. i almost feel like i dont deserve after abandoning it the last weeks of school. which actually probably mentally was the best decision I ever made. wait. i dont even think i made the decision. it was made for me by others.
so, the girls need jobs. the job markets SUCKS. of course. i feel like people aren't making the same efforts they were before to try and help. and it may just be that I am becoming just as impatient as andrea and kelly are. i want security for all three of us. i want to feel like we have something settled and figured out. when i saw them coming out of the audition room for HHN i had an insane ammount of butterflies in my stomach. i wanted them to have jobs SO BAD. even a seasonal job for two months. something to lift their spirits and mine too. And so when they made it I was relieved.
then we auditioned for Disney yesterday. all of us got cut. downer. but, that's Disney. I wasn't expecting too much from them. and it's competitive... character stuff.
I just want to feel a small weight come off my shoulders. Here I am. the one with the job and I still feel like i am waiting to exhale. i am waiting for something to happen so we can take a step in a new direction. a small one. a baby step. and i can't promise i won't look back. because i will.

thinking.

These past few weeks in NC and NY have allowed me to share quality time with my close family. Now I am starting to feel the press on my chest. Of leaving. Of separation. I don't do well with separating. I have to admit I am scared about taking my next step. baby step or not. i am frightened.

on top of my grief I have an immense amount of worry.

when i sit still long enough or have a moment to myself i think about of course, john. I think about how much fun we had together and how much we loved. and i also think about the day i found him. still and blue. lifeless and forever gone.

then i think about my future that could have been. weddings and babies.

and i think about my future that is to be. moving back to FL. packing up John's things in boxes. giving things away. selling things. rearranging things. throwing things away.

i think about job hunting for andrea and kelly and praying that they find something.

I think about a Uhaul carrying my stuff to a new place. a place I still have to look for.

i think about unpacking the big boxes that are labeled "john and autumn."

of unpacking our bed sheets. our christmas decorations. our towels. our red kitchen appliances.

of finding things I have forgotten about. a photo frame. a letter. a trinket.

i think about picking up my cat. our cat. our sweet cecilia. and placing her in this new place. without her dad.

i think about sitting down on a couch that i do not yet have next to andrea and kelly. i think about the tv in front of us that we don't have yet either.

i think about the first thing we are going to watch when we settle in.

it will be The Secret Garden. and although it has no ties to John directly. I'll cry.

ill cry because when i first lived with the twins we watched this movie CONSTANTLY. And since John basically lived there too... he must have been around to see it at some point.

i think about a lot of the things all the time.

i cannot shut my brain off.

there is never a time to just think of nothing.

everything revolves around the life i lost and the life i have to lead.