Sunday, January 23, 2011

"A combination of strong and lost..."

Lyrics from a Jimmy Eat World song called "Stop."
When I heard it I thought that it described me PERFECTLY. I am a combination of strong and lost.

I have tried to go through this journey as strong as one could be. I am not perfect. And I know I haven't been completely strong... but I think for where I am in this journey... I have been tough enough. But even though I played the tough card I know that I am still completely lost.
But I am on my way to finding myself, this I know.
I took a big step in my journey today. I found a counselor. And I like her... finally
Finding a counselor is VERY similar to dating. Because you will be getting very close with this person... sharing lots of things with them. Sharing your life with them. And I found someone who clicks. Thank God.
It was an interesting first session. I had Kelly join me. And I think that helped me open up a bit more as well as give a different perspective. When I was shy about bringing up a subject.. Kelly would just go on and chime in. And if there was a question I didn't fully know how to understand... Kelly would clue me in on what the outside world saw. It was a bit eye opening. I'm already starting to see how much of a dependent person I am. Even though I can come off as this free spirit individual... I am begging to be around others at all times. I'm not so much comfortable with just being with myself. Its like i need people around me 24/7. For the most part. I have my times when I need to just be alone and be in silence and be still, or sleep, or go away from others. But what I feel like I need more than anything is the company of a good friend or companion that can listen to me, talk to me, laugh with me, hug me and just be there. Even in silence. Their company is rewarding.
My counselor's name is Kim.
She asked me what my goal would be after counseling.
I left it blank on the sheet.... well, Just wrote "IDK"
Because I don't know what Im trying to accomplish here.
If I had to answer honestly... it would be to have John back and get my life to where it was before he left. Which was perfect and simply where I had always wanted to be. Now here I am. Lost.
what are my goals?
What am I living for?
I want to have something to live for. I want to live for someone. I want someone to feel like they need to live for me. Which is what John did. He lived day to day with his goal in life... to make me happy. And I did the same. Now, I don't have that. I don't have a marriage to look forward to or a child or a house to buy. That's not in my future anymore. It's been erased. Not forever. But for now.
So, what's my goal?
What do I want to get out of all of this?
What's going to make me feel better in the end?

Love. That's got to be the biggest part of it. To fill the gaping hole in my life that John has left. And it can't be filled by just anyone. It's need to be a man who's stronger than most men. That can take up the challenge of loving me and accepting the fact that I will always love John. And I will honor his memory for the rest of my life.

I told Kim I was considering writing a book.
But. Who wants to read a book about my life?
Is it interesting enough?
Does it catch the reader?
I think I have some good material. It's just missing something.

the happy ending.

I can't write a book with no ending.
I have to leave my readers with something letting them know that my life turned out ok.
But, this is something I have to experience first before jotting anything down with ink. So, maybe that's what I am needing. To find someone to love again. To care for. To have care for me and admire me and want to be with me. It kills me inside to think of another face replacing John's. His perfect smile and contagious laugh. His witty humor and quick thinking. His smarts and his wisdom. His love for others and his composure. He will be the hardest person to replace. And I am hesitant... to take a step that will take him out of the picture.

I have a homework assignment this week:
I have to make a timeline of our lives together. From day one... August 2003.... to the last day... April 2010. There is soooo much to fill in on that timeline. I am so scared to make it... because Im scared that I may forget things on it. important things. because there were SO many memories. So so so many. And how can you just sum it all up in a timeline?
As I work on the timeline I will update the blog on it's progress. And i will try and publish the final project. i haven't decided the exact way for presentation. but i want it to be memorable. something i can keep for future reference.

I want to keep getting stronger. i want to be strong for myself and for others. o
and i want to eventually find my happy ending to my tragic novel.
I want to find myself. I dont want to be lost anymore. But I know this doesn't happen overnight... or in a few days... or weeks... or months... maybe years....
but I know I want to live my life out. I know john would want me to do the same. Just how is the question. I wish I had a crystal ball to stare into the future. Will I be happy? Will i BE A CAT LADY?
i guess its up to me.


Ann-Marie said...

Autumn, I have sent you a facebook friend request.
I lost my husband of 28 years this past September, and am going through a lot of what you are, but, of course, in a different way. No widow knows what another one really feels.
I do consider you a widow, even though you and John were not married yet.
My name is Ann-Marie Meyers

I am having an easier time moving on right now. It may be because I knew Philip was going to die.
Anyway, if you don't want to accept my friend request, just ignore it. I won't repeat it.


Autumn said...

I am sorry if I never got that request. I would be more than happy to be friends with you now :) I just now saw this....