the dresses.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for a wedding, I had set aside a dress I knew I would be wearing that evening...
but, just for fun, I tried on a couple older dresses...
and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Since John passed I have gained about 20 pounds. Although none of my friends will admit I look bigger ... it's clearly evident when I can't zip up any dresses I was able to wear over a year ago. In fact, Ryan broke one of the zippers when trying to zip me up. I ended up wearing a dress where I felt completely uncomfortable all night and I felt like my boobs were spilling out of the top constantly. It's uncomfortable being fat.
Besides the fat thing the dresses in my closet had a second fault. They taunted me. And one in particular haunted me.
they were all reminders of past events.
Most of celebration.
and one not so much.
These dresses had been with me in moments shared with John. They each had a story to them... and yet, part of me realized... it was time to refresh the wardrobe.
I guess it was part anger.
Part depression.
Part willpower.
Part courage.

It was something... something that made me put the dresses in the back seat of my car and drive to a local consignment shop. I handed over the dresses and the lady looked at each one thoughtfully. each time she had nothing but nice comments to say "oh, this one is nice..." "oh i like this.. " "you have nice taste."
And then it started.
The hot feeling in the face.
The rush of wet.
My eyes flooding.
I was crying over these pieces of material.

The first was a black dress from express. size 8. ha!!!!!!!
**CRIES**
It was a "little black dress."
My most memorable moment in this dress was probably for Holly's birthday. I remember we were in city walk and holly had gotten a lot of gifts. It was then that John, being the gentleman he always was, took ALL of her gifts and brought them back to the car for her... which was quite a hike to the parking garage. I remember there was a vase of flowers he had to carry and he looked so cute holding them with the balloons. You could tell he was doing it to be polite but in a way he may have had regret once he had the vase of flowers in his hand...

Next dress...

I wore this dress to my friend Danielle's wedding. It was BCBG... my favorite designer. Most of my dresses came from that designer. This was the same wedding where i had caught the bouquet and John made a point to catch the garter since last time he had to watch some random guy put it on my leg. He vowed that would never happen again. And it never did. He got to put it on my leg that night... with his teeth... and boy did we milk it. The DJ was nervous we didn't know each other. It was a good memory in a nice springy dress.

Dress #3 also was worn at a few weddings... and was my most favorite dress of all...

It was most famously worn to John's brother's wedding. (seen here in this picture I absolutely ADORE of us).

It was a perfect "autumn" dress... complete with leaves on the bottom.

Beautiful browns... perfect cut... for my then body.

My body now wouldn't be able to squeeze half a boob in it. So, to the consignment it goes. 

I wore that dress to couple other weddings as well... but my favorite of all is Billy and Liz's. Its a wedding that I don't think many others can compare to. Although I swore up and down that mine would have... me and john wanted it to at least match the standard that Billy and Liz had set up. It was the ultimate Seay wedding.

Dress #4 is older.

It's another simple black dress that I had bought for a very special occassion.

It was the dress I wore to my college graduation. It's a bit of a risque dress now that I think about it.. it had a plunge neckline and showed a great deal of cleavage. I didn't mind at the time because:

1) I was being covered my a huge graduation gown

2) I had a great rack then!

But it's one of those dresses that I had to move on from... both because of not fitting it and not knowing when I would be able to "show off the ladies" like that ever again in my late 20's. ew.

Dress #5... the one that brought me to tears.

In my final photo with John ever taken I am wearing this dress. We were on our way to an event for the Orlando Philharmonic... 

I remember how excited I was to go to this event. How i got to show off my new accessory... MY ENGAGEMENT RING! How we got to be introduced as each other's fiance. I remember so much that night. I remember the excitement of being dressed up and going to a formal event. It was like we truly felt like we fit in for a change. We both felt so mature... the evening felt very right. The wine was endless and the food was fantastic. I remember sneaking in to grab a dessert before everyone and how John laughed about it... and how we almost kept falling into this pond with stones for steps. I remember walking in the back garden and holding hands. I remember this night.... and so does that dress.

The last dress I knew I would never wear again.

I am leaving out the picture although I have posted one before.

It was the dress I wore to John's funeral.

It was picked out for me by my friends. 

The time in my life where people made decisions for me because I honestly couldn't take care of myself nor did I care to.

But i knew this dress would have to be special. Because it was the last thing I would wear "for John." It was black and lacey. And honestly I felt like it was made for a funeral. I can't imagine ever trying to wear it again. It would be almost morbid.

So, I am glad to see it go.

But, so sad that I had to wear it for such an occassion. 

It's hard to imagine i let it sit there in my closet and haunt me. And when I touched it I am touching a moment in time where my life had gone to complete black... as black as the color of this dress itself.

Leaving these dresses at the consignment shop may be something I regret later.

Ok, I regretted it as soon as I drove away.

And it sounds like I am giving up...

like I know I will never be that size again or that I am letting go of memories. 

But, I'm not to both.

I am determined to lose weight and fit into those sizes again. I just think it's fitting in my life to get new dresses for new memories. And I could never let go of these amazing memories... that each dress carried with them. Perhaps the person that buys these dresses will have some amazing memories in them too. I pray no one has to wear one to a funeral. 

I just kind of had this urge.

This feeling inside.

To make some extra room in my closet.

to match the extra room i am making in my heart.

1 year.

How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.

i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options.

i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend.

but i guess that's ok.

because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.

this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral...

I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store

for me.

Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down?

before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.

but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.

and it was.

and it was still painful.

and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons.

first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)

now.

a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.

from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...

and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold.

i am telling you now.

right here and now.

it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.

because there is just something so raw about it.

something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.

the person you left was not the person you came home to.

and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"

and we can go back to the "unfair" game.

it's a game i know well.

my life is unfair.

and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.

to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened.

and neglect the wonderful things.

and i don't want to be in that spot.

i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.

funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.

a heart.

what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?

what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?

1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer.

2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.

3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest.

4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.

5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta.

6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma.

7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.

8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs.

9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears.

10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.

11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.

12) laugh. just laugh.

13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.

14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.

15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :)

16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.

... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.