Wednesday, July 14, 2010 what was I doing?

I can't believe how SHITTY my memory is now.
I mean, I knew this would be a side effect. One of my widow books explained this is very common... not just for widows... but for anyone that has lost something/someone important to them. I mean, it's depression.
And it's funny too because last night me, Andrea and Kelly were watching the History Channel special called "America." (which we are so addicted to and LOVE) and I was calling out dates and events left and right. I remembered all this stuff I never thought I would remember about America's history. But, when it comes to my own life... forget it. literally. At first it was a little annoying. But now I get mad. pissed even. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER SOMEONE'S NAME THAT JUST INTRODUCED THEMSELVES TO ME? When people call and say "can I have lunch with you tomorrow..." and I say yes back... if I don't write it down IMMEDIATELY in my phone this meeting WILL NOT happen.
Sometimes I will think of something I need to do... like, go get a drink of water.... and I will walk to the kitchen and just stare at it. Then I will walk to the hallway. Then back to the kitchen. I will open drawers and cabinets and then go back upstairs. Then once I am upstairs I will be like "damn it!! I needed water."

yesterday i went with andrea and kelly to their audition for Halloween Horror Nights. I was going to try and audition with them but glad i didn't. I don't know if I could handle that right now. usually i get excited for it every year. but i dont want to go to a house with anything with dead bodies. which is like every house. so, i might go and see Bill and Teds and that's it for me. Anyway, the audition started at 5:30. We got out at 12:30AM. That's right. We got home at 1am and I had to get up early to turn in some paperwork for school. So, it's too late to take my Ambien. I couldn't sleep until 4am. So, it's back to ambien for me. Poor Kelly. She stayed up with me rubbing my back, massaging my hands, talking to me...
my head was reeling.
it doesn't stop. especially at night in the dark. especially when I am alone. some of my worst moments are in cars. when I drive my car alone I will put on my music... and i will turn it up ridiculously loud and sing along until eventually i am sing-crying. then it's just crying. then it's praying outloud or talking to to john. but like I have said before. i have a hard time forming sentences when i start talking to John. it's blurts. "baby" "i love you" "i miss you" "why..." "remember me..." "i don't know what to do."
i wait for signs. I wait for something magical to happen. i search for a symbol that John is listening. that he is comforting me. but the only signs i get on I4 are bad drivers slamming on their brakes.

yesterday at the auditions a woman in line asked me when my wedding was. I was stunned. I was NOT expecting this question. I haven't gotten it yet since John died. So, I just sat and stared at her. Andrea and Kelly also stared. There were awkward smiles. the kind you make when things are awkward. and we felt bad for this woman. who asked. but andrea and kelly told her the situation. and she was completely embarassed and it got awkward. she walked away. eventually we talked to her again later that night. but this is just one of the many awkward moments I am going to have for the rest of my life. i guess I ask for it when i wear my ring. and when people ask they expect me to beam and yell out a date and giggle contagiously.
yay yay yay!

but, i am not taking it off to avoid the occassional awkward question.
because wearing it reminds me of the devotion John had to me. the promise he had given to me.
17 days. that was as long as we were engaged. but it had felt longer. maybe because i felt like we had been engaged for much longer... just without a ring. living together since day 1. being by each other's side constantly.

By the way: Andrea and Kelly made the gig at Universal. their first official job here in Orlando. a seasonal job. 2 months. but, it's something. so, I am happy for them. and this is a start. this is SOMETHING. And a small glimmer of hope for them and for me. a little security in this trying time.
i cant believe I typed the word trying.
trying? really?
even I can't figure out how to label my life. it's literally turned upside down. I am hanging on just barely. What adjectives can I possibly use to describe this hell I have to bare?
just plain shitty.

1 comment:

Star said...

The awkward moments never end. You (and I) have to find ways to answer and not leave the moment filled with that awkward space.

I got emails about 4 months ago (Roger died almost 2 years ago) asking me how married life was going and if I had any kids. Last time we talked I was just walking down the aisle. So... She caught me at a bad moment and I just replied to the email "Roger is dead." and left it at that. It wasn't a close friend or someone I'll probably see again so I didn't care. But in other ways I just try to get it out there and keep the conversation moving.