Friday, June 18, 2010

Let's Be Honest

I woke up today in bed thinking.
Then I opened an email.
Then I went on facebook.
Then I read some blogs.

And then it came to my attention that today....I feel like shit.

I HATE the fact that everyone has been moving right along with their lives as if John didn't die almost 2 months ago.
That's not a long time.
I have been reading books on grief and on loss and widowhood and they all mention this time comes. The time when people move on and you are still stuck. That the phone calls become less frequent and the emails. And when people talk to you they want you to smile and act as normal as possible and help you "move on."
IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TWO MONTHS.
So. It's ok that I feel this way.
And screw anyone that thinks otherwise.
This is a shitty situation.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me or my poor John. My baby. He was so happy and loving his life. He wasn't given a chance. We weren't given a chance. At a life with marriage and buying houses and having babies.
The rug has been yanked from under me and I find myself feeling more and more alone.

Friends have started to call less.
Apparently they can't handle my sadness anymore. Or the ffact that EVERYTHING reminds me of John. I mean, I talked constantly about John when he was alive. Now it's 10x worse. Am I bringing people down?
Oh and then there's the "we just want to give you time to yourself or distance"
Really?
Do you think that's what I need right now?
More alone time?
To me and my crazy thoughts of how my life has turned into utter shit?!
Really now?

Why thank you for being so courteous!

And for the record.
I am not "strong."
I am surviving.

As I have heard from other widows... strong is deciding to climb Mt. Everest. Strong is doing a full marathon. It's a chosen decision.
Surviving is what I am doing.
I am making it day to day. And sometimes those days are dark.
Yes, I do have better days.
But just because I have ONE better day doesn't mean "oh, Autumn is getting through this." Because the next day I can fall right back into that pit of darkness that eats me alive. That leaves me breathless and angry and bitter.
I am trying to live.
I am trying to live because I have no choice.
I am certainly not going to kill myself. Sit in a room in a corner and whither away.
I have decided to live.
But that's about all I have decided.

And then people ask my opinions. What do I want for dinner. Where do I want to go. What movie do I want to see.
I DON'T CARE.
These are stupid questions.
The last thing I care about is whether we have pizza or chinese for dinner.

Sometimes people want to be careful about what they say around me. So they ignore the situation TOTALLY. they don't even say "im sorry for your loss." Then I am left there wondering "do they know?" "should someone tell them I am usually not this weird and lofty?"
Because then I look like a total bitch. Not that I care right now but this was not who I was.
I was not this mopey, sad person.
I hate what I have become but this is what it is for now.
You can't rush me through my grief.

And then there comes the fact where I feel like my grief is hardest. And I do feel this way.
This is something I cannot help. I lost an intimate partner. I lost my future. Every little plan I had solved out for my life involved John.
Imagine that being stripped away from you.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?
Most can't.
That's what I hear at least "Oh, Autumn. I can't even imagine."
But I want you to.
I want you to slip into my shoes and I want you to try to get at least some understanding that my life is broken.
My heart is broken.
My world is broken.
I have no idea what my future holds.
People tell me to take it one day at a time and then the exact same people will ask "what are you going to do now?"
WTF!!!!
You just told me to take it one day at a time.

I don't know if I am going back to work.
I don't know where I am going to live.
No, I am NOT washing John's clothes. Probably ever.
I don't know how long I am staying in North Carolina and when I come back to Florida... what the hell am I am doing?! Gypsy time again?
I don't know when I will be able to sleep alone.
Because the dark scares me and I am afraid if something happens I will be alone.
Yes, that's weird. That's called trauma. And I have recognized how that might be weird to some of you. But I found John dead. I touched his dead body and I shook him and I cried out for him and he wasn't there. He died alone in a bed.
I don't want to be alone in a bed.

Why can't people just support me. And stop pushing me.
Pushing me back to where I used to be.
I will never be the same.
And I guess that bothers people. Because a lot of people don't like change. For the worst.
I was one of those.
I was comfortable.
I was content.
And I was FORCED to change.
I can't just magically make things return to normal. Because I lost my best friend.
And I know others mourn for John. I know people cry in their cars or in their beds or whereever.
You are allowed to cry in front of me. It makes me feel like others are still grieving for him. It makes me feel less alone. It's not a misery loves company mantra. It's just a "I get you" kind of thing. And if you don't want to cry or talk. That's ok too. Sometimes just sitting next to me and keeping quiet is what I need. The presence of a body. But silence. That doesn't bother me.

I didn't ask for this suffering.
All I ask is that everyone just lay off and be patient with me.
Pardon the weird requests.
And when you say "if you need anything" or "call whenever you need." Please stay true to your word. That pisses me off so much.
Stick true to your word. You never know when you will be needing it.
Because when that time comes and someone else goes through a hard time. I will come and be there for them as much as they were for me.
Call it karma. Call it whatever.

My life just sucks right now.
Anything others can do to make it less suck would be nice.

1 comment:

michele said...

Autumn,

Although in many ways our situations are so different, I can totally relate to what you are saying. Sometimes I feel forgotten, after all, I am not the wife, mother, father, etc. I am just Bryan's sister. My brother was truly my best friend, we were completely different people personality wise, but had the very same core values and thats all that mattered. As life progresses, I long to talk to my brother, as he was the one I called. When I found out I was pregnant with Romie, he was the first one I called even before I told his dad. When I found out I was having twins, he was the first person I called. Any family situation or friend issue, I would talk to my brother. It has been a year and a half and I still physically feel the pain and longing of wanting my brother here!

I talk about him all the time, there probably are very few conversations that I have that don't remind me of Bryan, and I feel this need to tell a story or reference him in some way. I guess this is my way of making sure I don't forget and neither does anyone else. I know it probably gets on peoples nerves, but, I don't care.

I do understand your fear, anger, and sadness---and I can't say it will get better or that it will eventually not hurt, but you will have good days again. And remember that it is ok to have bad days....love you, Michele