When you grieve you go through an anger stage. Forget the order of grief. That's total bull.
The stages of grief come in no order and have no specific time frame. So, anger is a stage. It's a stage I come in and out of. And lately I have been a bit angry... because I have started to realize the shitty hand I was dealt... and listening to people tell me things like "God has a purpose" "there is a reason for everything..." "you're going to be so much stronger.." is just stupid.
As time goes on people think they can slip away silently and quietly go back to their normal lives and leave me behind to figure out my own. Everyone thinks I need them most in the first month. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. I need people now. In times where I am alone and everyone else has gone their own way and continued on their path of life... getting engaged, married, getting their masters, having babies, buying houses...
I still need my friends. I still need people to invite me over... OR DRIVE OVER and visit me. I need company. I need to be invited out. I need to get away.
And it's weird but sometimes I feel like some people watch me as if I am some kind of project. My life is a real world soap opera. Everyone can tune in and watch what happens. Will I find love again? Will I go crazy? Will I go to the hospital? Will I survive? Will I do something drastic to myself?
And at the same point I do feel some pressure to try and change... to be different and act different.
I am told I will be different. I will change.
But honestly I was perfectly fine the way I was.
I had NO problems with the "old" me. Why do I have to find myself again??? I thought I did this in college.
And why doesn't anyone else have to find themselves too? I know a lot of people that should be finding themselves more than I need to.
Oh, and if I hear one more person say "You look tired" I will punch them in their face!! YES. I look rough. I hardly ever wear make up anymore.. I have been through a lot. I am grieving. I cry a lot. I am tired and worn and just making it through the days barely.
So, if I look "tired" ... which means "you look like shit" let me apologize. I should be focusing on impressing people more I guess.