Lucky

I am back from my cruise.
What? You didn't know I was going on a cruise?
I went on a cruise with my friend Andi, also a widow. Her friend Gina came along with her mom. On December 5th it was supposed to be her 1 year wedding anniversary. So, to give her a distraction from the date we set sail to Mexico (where we literally spent like 30 minutes). HA.
Before I headed out on the cruise I had a couple people tell me how "lucky" I was.
I don't know if people realize what they are saying when that words pops out of their mouth. There is nothing lucky about my life right now. Yes, it's nice to have the opportunity to go out on a cruise at this point in my life and get away. But I definitely feel like one of the unluckiest girls in the world.
I have always had a hard time with the word lucky.
I go between it and the word blessed all the time.
Because I don't necessarily believe in luck.
Well, that was until John introduced me to gambling on our first cruise.
It was our first cruise together... I think we had been together for maybe a year. We did a 7 day cruise in the Caribbean. There was a casino on board and so far I had never experienced a casino before. Our first night there we tried out roulette and ended up losing $200. I remember how mad I was and going back to our room and crying. I grew up in a home where we didn't have a lot of money and to just gamble it off is absurd. John grew up in a much wealthier lifestyle but it still wasn't ok. John didn't fret like me. He was determined to get it back. And we did... we played Bingo the next day and won! Almost all of our money back in fact. Then on the last night of the cruise we played roulette and there was something happening... we got lucky. The number 8 was hot for us. It was both of our favorite numbers. We ended up leaving the cruise ahead (as far as gambling was concerned). In Vegas John did the very same thing. Lost some one night and then won big on the last day.
He was my lucky charm.
I remember one time I told John to pull over to a gas station because I was "feeling lucky." We bought a dollar scratch off and I won $10.
I used to win sooooooo many sweepstakes before I lost John. Sometimes I would call John and we would literally go "what did you win today?"

Ever since April 5, 2010 I have yet to have won anything. I had no luck in Vegas. I had no luck on the cruise. I have had no luck at all.
I lost my "luck."
Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest person ever. I get in a dark mindset and convince myself no one has it harder than me... even though I know it isn't true. Self pity is a powerful thing. As I sat at the roulette table two nights ago ...watching my chips slowly disappear... betting on that magic number 8 I so often trusted... I thought about John and how if he were there he would most likely know what to do. Or, he would have just told me to not do it at all. But part of me wanted to prove to myself that I still had it. A bit of luck myself. Luck that maybe John left me. But in the end I left the boat in the hole.
It didn't make matters better.

I am giving up on gambling and betting and anything that requires money in order to win. Without John it is a wasted game. I will still enter sweepstakes but I will never expect to get anything out of it anymore.

I am sure all the luck I once had has been passed to someone else. I wish I had it now... when I could use it most. Oh the things I could do with a little luck.
So, I now focus on the word blessed.
Perhaps I can be blessed by God... with something unexpected... something that requires no payment or buy in. Forget luck. I want to be blessed.