Today I drove behind a car.
It had two bumper stickers on it.
first. let me tell you how much I dislike bumper stickers.
anyway. the first one was simple. It said I love yoga.
well, apparently. you decided you love it so much to stick it on your car. look, i don't think even my kid making honor roll will ever get me to put a bumper sticker on my car. and that's my freakin' kid. you, love exercise. not even a person. a thing that makes you sweat, smell bad and sore. wow.
the second one said "if something good can happen, it will." Obviously a play on Murphy's Law.
And it pissed me off so much. I kept driving pondering what it meant. I was really upset about it. Of course, I mean it makes sense. They like yoga and bumper stickers. Of course, they have this mentality. But does it even make sense?! I wanted to pull them over and tell them my story. Then I wanted them to tell me the good part. Go ahead, give it your best shot Mr. or Ms. Yoga lover. I'm not saying that I am a pessimist. I never have been. I am a realist.
And obviously I have lost the sense of trying to be optimistic.
Ok, enough with that stupid bumper sticker. ugh.
The apartment is coming along.
A few days ago we got a couch and DVD racks. We have put things on the wall. They are no longer "sanitarium white" as John liked to call apartments. Today I bought a storage shelf for my bathroom, a desk, and a side table for the living room. Everything is coming along. Yesterday I bought beautiful peacock curtains and a peacock colored vase filled with a pretty arrangement of fake flowers and peacock feathers. Obviously I am going for a theme here. All based around Waldy, the wonder peacock. And of the picture with John holding him.
The apartment is a project. It keeps me busy and always gives me something to add to my list. As much as I love crossing things off my list I know that it will never be empty. There will always be something to add.
But, no matter what I try and do... this apartment still isn't feeling completely like "home" just yet. It's missing it's obvious element. It's missing John Seay. It's missing his presence. His actual presence. As much as I feel he is always with me in spirit and in my heart... I would love to touch him and physically see him. There is so much I want to tell him. There is so much I want to show him. I want him to give me feedback and I want to see his face light up and hear his laugh.
He would mostly be like "how did you talk yourself into an apartment again?!"
I swore up and down I would never live in an apartment again.
John and I were set on living with his parents until we saved up enough money to get a house together. I hated apartment living. Even though it did bring us close to some great people.
Ya see, John and me...we were old fashioned. When a new neighbor moved in we would cook them brownies or cookies or cupcakes and bring them over to welcome them. I remember we always tried to figure things out about them first.... eyeing their moving truck items or the car they drove. We would walk over together and introduce ourselves. I think it always caught everyone by surprise. I mean, who does that anymore???? We did.
And because of it we met great people... Frankie and Dawn, Christoph and Juliet, Alaina, Jeremiah and Kelley. All because we wanted people to feel welcome and to feel comfortable around us. It wasn't long after that these neighbors were coming over for dinners, playing rock band with us or going out to restaurants in our company. We loved making new friends and being social. If we didn't know anyone around us then we knew we would just have to make new friends. plain and simple.
I couldn't imagine myself making baked goods for anyone in my new complex. it's a different atmosphere and I am in no mood for schmoozing for new friends. I don't remember the last time i baked anyway. was it the night i made hundreds of valentine cookies for john?
Losing John has taken part of me away. I have lost half of myself.
Just as half of a dollar has lost it's worth.
Just like half of a building has lost it's stability.
Half of a meal isn't fulfilling.
half of a college eduation is pointless.
Half of a person... just isn't the same.
Don't get me wrong. I act very normal. But the way I act and the way I FEEL are not in line with each other. Anyone can act their way through life. It's a trick I am learning to master. But to FEEL like life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Well, that can change everything.
Throughout our lifetime our feeling towards life's purpose can change. i know some who focus solely on their careers or give complete focus to their children or pets. After all, a purpose in life gives us a reason to live. Mine was John. It wasn't always. It took time and a love to grow to eventually get this way. If anyone knows anything... our story started out bumpy. We had a lot of hurdles to accomplish in the beginning before it came out to the fairy tale story it eventually got to. And then nightmare.
So. I have to force myself to re-focus. On what? Obviously the answer is myself. And the people I love. But first and foremost. Myself.
I am trying to find myself. I am trying to figure out who I am daily. I am trying to love myself and seek out my feelings and how to express them.
I am trying to re-connect with my friends. Old and new. I am trying to help others as best as I can while still trying to help myself. I am trying to take time for myself even when the world around me is going full speed.
Things I need to get better at:
staying connected with my family
learn new things
find new hobbies
listen to more classical music
practicing my musical instruments
taking care of myself ... exercising...
getting on a better sleep schedule.