Tuesday, October 11, 2011


On Sunday is Ryan's birthday. 

and it makes me nervous.
because it's our first "big" celebration together. 
we have had small holidays here and there.. but we really hadn't anything big.
a birthday, in my eyes, is big.
and then right after come the other biggies... thanksgiving, christtmas, my birthday, new years. 

I am so nervous about screwing things up.
I want Ryan to have the perfect first birthday with me. 
After all, he's turning 25. a quarter of a century.

the last birthday John spent with me.
he was only 25 for 17 days.

so, Ryan and I will be passing a milestone I had never made with John before. He will surpass John in age. John will be frozen 25 forever. I will age. Ryan will age. Moving forward... always...

And as hard as i have been trying to make this birthday fun and exciting... i feel like no one really wants to be part of it. we started out with a big weekend of halloween horror nights and disney's food and wine. then we decided to just do food and wine and help friends get in with discounts and free tickets. 
then I thought ok, that's kind of tough too.
so, lets try a smaller get together. a dinner on friday night.

i made a facebook invite and guess how many people are going so far???


and ryan.

that's fucking it.

and i can't help but feel betrayed sometimes. or like im being avoided. or not a priority.
i feel like i am messing it up.
that ryan's birthday won't be anything special.. even though he swears that even if it were just me and him he would be ok with it.
So, maybe then it will be.
But I want others to be a part of it.
I want others to celebrate with us.

The other night i told ryan about my feelings regarding his upcoming birthday.
and my impending doom to make it perfect.
and then I tried to reach back in my mind to reflect on John's past birthdays. And it was hard. I definitely remember his last one. the one where he proposed. his last birthday on Earth.
And I remember the one where Annie was REALLY pregnant with the twins and was disappointed with his ice cream cake (which was gross and freezer burnt but only Annie would say anything because she was extremely hormonal at the time.) And then it gets blurry. I don't totally remember every birthday. 
The best part about his birthdays though was that even if we couldn't do something big with friends we had his family to rely on.
his dad would buy balloons.
there would be decorations in the house.
and always a cake. always.
and at least 8 family members gathered around to sing to you.

and the pressure is on for me to make sure he has a good birthday.
and while i have done everything i can from where i am ... i have passed the ball into other's courts. to my friends, his friends, and our friends.

I just want this birthday to work.
I want it to be special. for Ryan.
I want others to share it with us.
But if it's just the two of us... 

then so be it.

...because i have other holidays to stress about now....



damn it.

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