Thursday, July 5, 2012

Us Against the World... and other Summer stories

Summer is moving right along.
Here we are in July.
I feel relaxed this summer. I do not feel rushed or stressed. I feel like I have had a good summer so far. Even though it hasn't been my most exciting summer of being swept off my feet to exotic continents like Central America and Europe... I am enjoying this time.
I guess the part I am not a fan of is when Ryan has to work all day.
It's no fun not to have him around in the afternoon.
I occupy myself by doing LOTS of errands and spending time with friends I do not get to see on a regular basis.
Summer is expensive.
You try to spend your time by being creative or busy. And most of the time that costs money.
So.
After awhile that gets hard.

My summer has been filled with a few awesome moments so far.

First, I got to see my dear friend get married.
It was a destination wedding on a cruise...which was a perfect excuse to take a cruise. I am glad I let go of things before I went on the cruise. I had previously been holding on to some grudges due to the fact that I wasn't involved in the wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. I was extremely hurt in the beginning. Even my family didn't get it. But in the end I had to let it go. I obviously had to move on and let it be. Sometimes our journeys in life take us different directions... different paths... but I have this feeling deep inside that eventually the paths will meet again. I feel the connection between me and my friend are already being mended. I think we have reached a point where we can start building again and that's good for me right now. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. I don't need her acceptance anymore. I am perfectly content with watching her live her life completely and utterly happy. Because it really does make me happy too. I am always here for her if she needs me. Because I have made a vow to be a friend no matter what. And I am not breaking that vow anytime soon.
The good thing about being friends with me is that I am one hell of a fighter.
I will fight for your friendship.
And I will fight for you everyday.
Maybe not physically (unless you really do need that) but I am there for you. In your corner. Always.

Weddings are getting easier.
I have fun and i enjoy them again.
Did I cry?
Come on, don't you know who I am???
Yes.
Did I have a melt down?
No.
Do I still get envious?
Yes, I do.
But I also know that my time will eventually come with Ryan. I know we have a great relationship and when it's our turn... it's going to be amazing ;)

I got to see one of my all time favorite bands perform!!!
I bought tickets to see Coldplay awhile ago in Tampa... and the moment had finally arrived.
IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT EVER.
Better than Muse and I believe better than Lady Gaga. It was incredible. They really know how to put on a performance.
I was out of my seat almost the entire time.
I was singing to every song.
I even cried.
I have never cried at a concert but when they played "Fix You" I just lost it.
When John died my friend send me an acapella version of that song and well, my feelings about it have never quite been the same.
Then they had these wrist bands you put on that light up for certain parts of the show and when it happened it was absolutely MAGICAL. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here's a video of it:
video

On the ride home I spoke with Ryan about one of the songs they sang off their new album. I played it for him and asked if he thought it could be our "first dance" song when we get married. He said he thought it was a great idea. It's called "Us Against the World" and I think it's appropriate for our situation... and it's gorgeous... like most of Coldplay's music anyway.
(I know what you are thinking... we are talking about MARRIAGE??? Well, duh. I am going to marry this man. And if you need to know any reasons just please keep in mind that he puts up with a blubbering widow who keeps a blog about her constant love affair with her dead fiance.)

Ryan took a trip for his job up to Maryland and I had a couple days on my own.
I am also getting better at this too.
Although I am still slightly miserable when I am completely on my own I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was two years ago.
You know, the months and months where I couldn't sleep alone.
My one thing is I still can't sleep alone in the complete dark.
Although I do remember once I was comfortable with this I still get slightly freaked out and leave the bathroom light on when Ryan is away.
I did, however, take Lily with me to the airport to pick him up. It was pretty adorable. She was very popular, that white fluffy dog, at the airport. And Ryan was surely surprised.

I did have a moment at the airport.
I thought I saw John.
He was coming out of the terminal... well, his look alike... which in the end looks NOTHING like him.
I guess my mind still plays tricks on me.
Cruel mean tricks that is.
I got a little sad when it happened.
It hasn't happened in awhile.
In fact I can't even remember the last time it has.

I have actually quite a few "moments" this summer.
I think anytime I have long periods alone is a recipe for disaster.
ESPECIALLY when I watched the Notebook the other day. Make as much fun as you want about that movie... for someone who has lost someone... it's a meltdown to the max waiting to happen. So (like an idiot) I watched it alone the other day.
I had a night when Ryan wasn't here where I went through old photo albums and just sat and cried and cried.
It's a monthly pity party I have.
It's like a mental cleanse.
I still.... to this day... after 2 years...can't believe what happened on April 22, 2010.
I still have bits of denial.
I still have nightmares and panic.

I still lay next to Ryan in bed and watch his chest rise and fall to see if he is still breathing. Or touch his skin to make sure it's still warm.
I shake him sometimes in the middle of the night to wake him up if I worry he's been too still.
Poor Ryan.
The things he puts up with.
And he truly does love me.
Shaking and all.
He loves me.


All in all I have been enjoying my summer.
I would gladly have a permanent summer if I could.
Afford it that is.
But I have a secret too.

I miss teaching.

I know, I know.
After all that bitching and complaining I miss my work.
I miss what I do. I miss my kids (most of them).

But.

I think summer is still winning right now.

Coldplay Concert. June 2012. xoxo



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