Monday, July 9, 2012

Hug it Out.

It's 1am. Must be time to blog.

Ok. If you haven't figured it out already I am a hugger.
I hug a lot.
Dad hug 2009

Even if I just met you.
I am a 98% hugger.
If you catch me on a 2% day then it's rare and unfortunate. Unless you are that other group... the non-huggers.
In which I know a lot of.

And I still love them.

Andrea sweaty hug 2006

It's always hard to find a "hugger" type.
Fortunately I fell in love with two.
One being John. Big, strong sturdy hugs. Cuddly and sweet.
John hug 2008

The other Ryan. Long lasting hugs. Warm and heartfelt.
Ryan hug 2011.

Sometimes I have awkward moments with hugging.
Because I spend a couple moments in my head trying to map out how the hug will go for some. Others i know it's always an open invitation.
And then you go in for it and you don't feel well received. It's one of the most disappointing feelings there is... being shot down from a hug.
And sometimes that person still tries... and even worse they do what I call the "pat pat."
That pat your back twice (almost out of pity really). Then you know they didn't want to hug you really but they also didn't wan to quite embarrass you either.

I don't know where my hugging stemmed from. If you didn't know I raise was by my dad since the age of 3. That was it. Me and dad. My older siblings left the house when I was around 5 or so... and it was just me and my dad from then on.
My dad isn't Mr. Affectionate.
And I didn't have a mom to rub my back at night and hug me after night time prayers.
But I did have a grandmother.... who adored me... and scratched my back... and hugged me all the time.
Until I was 9.
Then I lost that.
So, I guess deep down inside I have always craved that affection.
I have always wanted more too.
Call it the power of touch or whatever but I find being close with someone very soothing. Even if it just a hug.
Tracy hug 2011

Some of my closest friends have what they call "emotional issues."
It's the type of people I attract I feel.
People who aren't always open with their feelings or wanting to be touchy feely.
A couple who don't even say I love you.
It used to hurt my feelings a lot.
It was like a sick joke on God's part... pairing me up with people who didn't open up... ME. The girl who opens up about anything. Who cries openly and laughs openly. Who hugs you and kisses you and says I love you.
And then here I am finding friendships in people who aren't like me.
Eventually I just had to come to realize they aren't like me.
It was a bit of a bummer... saying I love you and not hearing it back.
I know that deep down inside these people MUST love me or else they wouldn't be my friend. Or drives miles and miles to visit me. Or send me cookies while I was in drum corps. Or sleep over with me the first night after John passed. Or let me stay at their house days and nights while I was recovering. Or come to my birthday dinners. Or come to my band concerts. Or any of the things that only a person who LOVES you would do.
These people are not obligated to be my friend....
I learned this the hard way.
I have lost those who no longer felt obligated to keep our connection.
But I have also strengthened the bond with so many others and also created new ones.

But sometimes you just need a hug.
I even hug my animals. Lily hug 2011.

And thank goodness I can always rely on Ryan.
If I had my choice I would hug him all day.

But when you get a hug from a friend it delivers a different message. It's not about intimacy like it is with Ryan.
It's about support.
And affirmation.
And security.

When I hug you I am not "doing it just to do it."
I want you to feel warmth and security knowing that there is a person out there who truly cares for you.
It's about being loved.

And the worst thing I hear is when people say "I hate when people say I love you all the time... it defeats the purpose."

Oh really?
What purpose is that?
What are you saving it up for?
Because I know people who waited too long to tell me they loved me.
They waited to tell me when John died.
At his funeral.
At his wake.
When I was down on the floor crying.

And what of the people that didn't get to say I love you to him?

There is Nothing wrong with telling people you love them. If you truly mean it.
And if I say it you better damn well believe I mean it.
I do not tell EVERYONE I love them.
But if I have told you that I do you are not 100% confirmed it was a true statement.
I love my friends.
Where would I be without them?
They saved my life.
The LEAST I can do for them is tell them I love them and embrace them in my arms. Because sadly I can't ever repay anyone for all the things they have done for me.
Maybe I harbor a little guilt.
Maybe I feel it's what I have to offer.
Maybe I am making up for a childhood of lacking hugs.

And maybe it's because I love you.
As you can see... I hug a lot. Andrea hug 2012.

#1 rule for hugging: Don't let go too soon <3 xoxo

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