Friday, July 16, 2010


Scientists say there are seven stages of grief. Although they may follow a particular pattern...most will not. I am in that category. I am not following the process exactly. I have tendencies to jump from one extreme to the other.
Here is how I classify myself in each stage:

1) Shock and Denial: the first few weeks I found myself completely shocked about John's death. Mainly because it wasn't expected. And I found him. And I saw him dead. Shocked is putting it lighly. Traumatized is closer to what it is. I find myself in and out of the denial stage each and every day. There are plenty of days I wake up hoping that it was all a dream and John would be by my side. There have been many of times I have picked up the phone to call John or text him. And I still have a hard time keeping John alive in conservation. "Oh John likes that..." instead of "John liked that." "John wants to see that.... " instead of "John wanted to see that." So, the shock of it all has begun to wind down. But denial still sneaks up on me.. :(

2) Pain and Guilt: As shock wears off.... it is replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. I feel like the pain part of this step will last for awhile. This is the part of grief that has me walking around with a constant lump in my throat. A time bomb, really. That anything could set me off at any second and then it's tears city. Sometimes I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I am left breathless and pain lingers in my body everyday. I don't have so much guilt. There was nothing I could do for John. Especially since John didn't act THAT sick... just flu/cold like symptoms. But our evenings were normal. I couldn't have saved John. As much as itdissapoints me that I couldn't. Instead of guilt I am filled massive ammounts of regret. Of what future we were supposed to have together and where John wanted to be in his job and his life and ideas he had.

3) Anger and Bargaining: Anger, yes. Bargaining, not so much. I have nothing to Bargain with. With God especially. I know I can't bring him back. I have a strong grip on reality that's for sure. But yes, Anger is there. In fact, I wish I could let my anger out more. I have a tendency to bottle up emotion throughout the day and then once in awhile let go ... mostly at the wrong time. I get frustrated at others and their "wonderful" "perfect" lives. I get angry when people get engaged, married, have babies, get pregnant, go out on dates, etc. That's what I put my anger towards. I am angry I don't get that anymore with John. I am angry there are people that take their lives for granted and are still here. And that Jhn isn't. Reason enough to be pissed I think.

4)Depression/Reflection/Lonliness- I walk this stage daily and this may be the longest part of my journey yet. Many will try to talk me out of my pain. Encouragement isn't always so helpful. Even though sometimes I can be in a room completely filled with people...I feel completely ALONE. alone. and people want to talk to me. with empty conversations. this is the part that makes me want to sleep in until 1pm and stay in my pajamas all day. and do nothing. Nothing at all.

5) The Upward Turn- doubt I'll be seeing this step soon

6) Reconstruction and Working Through- I have gradually started thisprocess.I am becoming a bitmore organizd. i am going through bills. i found a place to live with andrea andkelly. i can go through john's things... and cry... as I put them where they belong. This is what I call my "baby steps" step.

7) Acceptance and Hope- looking forward to the day I can face this step....

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