Sunday, September 26, 2010


I realize that because of losing John I would of course change as a person. I really did want to change for the better... but it has come to my attention that sometimes... I take a wrong turn. I am moody, emotional, and irrational. I am compulsive yet indecisive. I want attention and then I don't want any at all.
It's hard to make a positive out of a negative. An extremely big FAT negative. It's easy to fall in a downward spiral... and not even care that's where you are going.
But, I have to admit I am trying my best here to be functional. But, maybe it's catching up with me. Maybe I need to hold back a little and reflect more.
My problem is I try to keep extra busy in order to not have to reflect. Because I still haven't learned how to reflect on just the positive things.
It's hard for me to recognize good things or appreciate the good things going on around me. All I feel like doing sometimes is complaining. I can admit it. Because I actually realize it. Maybe not immediately. It's always when I reflect later. And then I have a big amount of guilt on top of the grief. Not a good combination.

So, this is an apology to those I may have offended lately.
To those I may have snapped at or been short with. For my lack of enthusiasm or my intense sarcasm.
For my distracted behavior and my apathetic attitude.
For my pessimistic view.
For my selfishness.

So, I have been working on writing out the story from April 22nd. It's been a long process. It was something I thought I could write out in one day. A week later and it's not finished. I sometimes get stuck in a spot that's hard. I look at the document... walk away... and then return to it later ...only to walk away from it again.
It's been a hard task. Posting it will also been hard. Many friends have told me that it will be good for me... and a couple have asked why I feel the need to.
I do not feel obligated to write it for the world to see. But, I want to share it. There are still many people that don't know exactly what happened and are afraid to ask me. There are still many that don't get it. So, it's the only way i can get anyone to get at least a small glimpse into my reality. It will also get it off my chest. And will be written down. From my memory to the page.

I want to start posting my photography on here.
I am gradually getting better. Classes are really helping. I think I have already figured out that I really enjoy photographing people the most. And animals. Mainly birds in flight.
These will eventually be my focuses.
Photography is really becoming an enjoyment in my life. It's relaxing and rewarding and I really feel happy when I photograph. Ok, and sometimes a bit sad. but honestly, thats a given,

ok. goodnight


Star said...

I am glad you are feeling some happiness in photography. There is something about creating a beautiful photograph that just makes me feel so incredibly good.

Miss you. Love you.

Alaina said...

you're experiencing what i love about phototgraphy - it's always been a release for me....and i hope it continues to bring you joy.