Friday, September 10, 2010
I am no doubt loved by many.I see examples of this everyday.I get everyone’s cards in the mail… the messages and emails they send… the voice mails and phone calls.I get visits and invitations out.I get hugs. And almost everyone remembers to say “I love you.”I am loved. I get that. And I have never realized how much until now. Sometimes I just sit in awe of it. The people that care about me. The people that are rooting for me… to make it through this journey with a positive outcome.And I know there are many that send love from a distance. And there are some who can’t express it so much.But, it’s there. And I can start to appreciate it more and feel it.When I first lost John…. It was his love that would only satisfy me. Nothing anyone said or did mattered at the time. Just bring me John back. It’s all I ask.When people would be like “what can I do?” I would just reply “pray for me.”When deep inside I wanted to scream out “PLEASE BRING BACK JOHN! DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO DO IT. BRING JOHN BACK TO ME. IT’S THE ONLY WAY I WILL EVER FEEL BETTER AGAIN!”I can see why many people do the crazy things they do when they lose someone they love…. Because it hurts so much to not have them anymore. I have seen the darkness. I have sat in it and sucked in it’s deathly vapors.I sympathized with those who lost their minds or took their lives. I understood people who questioned their faith or lost it completely.And until you have experienced this darkness… you wouldn’t truly understand. Now. Please do not fret. Although I may have sympathized… this isn’t the route I chose to take. In fact, I am still confused on what decision I will make with this shitty situation I have been given. The ball is in my court and I can go whatever direction I choose. I don’t want to go back down the dark path. But sometimes I find myself there. Unintentionally. With feelings and thoughts from that awful day. With pictures in my mind and memories that I can’t seem to banish from my thoughts no matter how hard I try.I am constantly reminded to think of the good memories.The times with laughter and light.The hugs and kisses. The embraces. The inside jokes. The touching and tickling.Those are supposed to suppress the bad thoughts.Of cold feet and blue body.But it creeps in.It tries to take over my happy thoughts.And what about the fact that sometimes when I think of those happy times I just get sad thinking that I can’t have them anymore with him? And that we can’t continue on the way our life was going… the future never seemed brighter. In fact, it angers me. It makes me feel cheated. Every memory, good or bad, stabs my heart. It’s a reminder of what I had and what I lost.