Sunday, January 16, 2011

Return to Me

So, my cable is out and it will be out for about a week until they can get me a new box. awesome.
So, this is good for me... time to get stuff done and get creative, right? Well... yes...
I clean out the car... halfway.
I work out. Go me!
Then I remembered Netflix.
Oh yes, a perfect distraction.
In my mind I always tell myself I can play a movie and get stuff done at the same time. This somewhat fails. I decide I will watch a movie I have seen before so I won't get distracted as much. As I scan through my choices a movie pops out to me. "Return to Me"
If you have never seen this movie... WATCH IT. Yes, you will cry. But it's a beautiful story and touching.
I knew well ahead that this movie would make me cry.
So, I was prepared. I am always prepared. I have many boxes of Kleenex in the apartment.
I play the movie and I begin to weep.


Basically a man has a wife. She dies in a car accident and her heart goes to another person. Ironically a year later he falls in love with the woman who has his wive's heart.
I have heard about this phenomenon happening before. It's not just a Hollywood thing. It's weird though. And I need to do more research on the matter because I find it fascinating.
Anyway, I cried for a few reasons during the movie.
1) I feel for David Dachuvney's (sp?) character. Losing the love of their life suddenly. Experiencing the trauma and having to walk through the grief.
2) The dog. OMG. Animals just break my heart.
3) I thought about how John's organs could have gone to others

Now, when John died I do not believe his organs were donated. Mainly because his death was unknown and they didn't know if the organs were good or not. This is what I believe. I don't think I truly ever found out for sure. Perhaps they went with him in the ash....
I am saddened that it was John's heart that failed him in the end. He was the strongest man I ever knew and he had the sweetest heart known to man. A simple virus took down my strong, loving man. A tiny thing. A thing undetected and unseen. And then, gone.

I know that when I die one day I want my body to help others if it can.
If it can save a life then it's worth it. After all, my body will be useless to me once I am gone. And then turned to ash as well.

It does not take death to give to others.
I know I can give my heart out now. To many. I can love my friends and family unconditionally and share with them not only love from my heart but from John's as well. Because I carry his love with me daily.
I have been caught in a wave of "me, me, me" since John died. And it was well deserved. But, I have realized that I have lost focus on others. I can't get past my own grief to love and help the ones around me. And I know that it shouldn't be like this. Not forever. I have to make a better effort at connecting with others and doing what I can to be a blessing to them. Because in the end... it will bless me and help me with my healing. And if John ever taught me anything it was to care for others. He was so selfless and I want to be like that.
Why wait until death when it can start now?


Anonymous said...

I like this post; you sound a little....not so sad.

Hugs from the cyber world.


Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

Nelson's organs weren't donated; I think it had to do with the autopsy, since he died of sudden cardiac arrest. Unfortunately, I wasn't there. Even if I had been, the decisions were out of my hands, since I wasn't next of kin...I was 'just his girlfriend,' even though we were planning to marry...

I think he would have wanted to donate his organs. It was what it was...I wish he wouldn't have died...No one that young and vigorous should die. Not your John, not my Nelson.