Friday, September 3, 2010

Dear John

Dear John,

I have been at my new job for two weeks now. I love it. You should see these kids... so much talent and so much love for me already. Most accepted me with loving arms right away. My job has become quite a reward... and mainly because I get to work with someone who is fun, passionate and caring. Nicole is my lifesaver. She really saved me from drowning in the deep depression I was in. But, nothing can stop the feelings I feel once the last bell rings and I am in my car on my way home. Because home is the least stable part of my life, John. Because home is where I used to rush to. It was to see you. I would do anything to get out of work early and come home to spend as much time with you as possible. I wanted to hug you sooner and longer. I wanted to go on dates and visit friends together. And now that I don't have that to look forward to anymore... I am lost. I have been lost since the moment you left this earth. That day took my breath away and I have yet to regain the air. Most of the time I go home to an empty house. Andrea got her new job away from here and Kelly is everywhere. I have nothing to go home to. Today was hard. I didn't plan anything out. Just went home alone. Well, not quite alone. John, I got a puppy. Her name is Lily. You would love her. I am sorry we never got her while you were still alive. I am sure that we wouldn't have though. We would have gotten that Great Dane we wanted. Because our lives would have taken a different direction. But I know you would still love Lily. I named her after the lake where you proposed to me. Her middle name is sunset. Because you loved them so much. Because you took pictures of sunsets every time you had the chance.... when you took pictures that is. Lily has brightened my life, John. She is a handful for sure but she gives me a purpose. She gives me something to do when I get home and there is nothing but the silence and the sound of the air conditioning running. John, I am struggling without you. When you left me I lost my way. I was thrown into a world I wasn't prepared for... buying apartments and beds and couches and TVs and things we had chosen to do together. Now I am struggling financially. I have to turn to my dad for help this month. I have drained my savings. I have nothing left. All the savings from OUR life together. You would be so dissapointed in how I manage my money now. Lily was a chunk of change. But she is my companion and I consider her worth it. I am stuck paying half of a 3 bedroom apartment and 100% of all the utilities and cable. I have my phone bill, my car insurance, my car payment, and hospital bills. I have my credit card payment... mostly from gas. I buy gas like crazy now. Mainly because of my work and driving around Orlando to see people when I wish more of them would come to me. I bought a ridiculously pricey painting one night. Of peacocks. Because it went with my room. Which matched my decor... that was inspired by you holding Waldy.
I think yesterday was my first day I went a full day without crying. Or did I? I think the excitement of Lily was helpful. Not to mention I had such a lovely dream of you. You rang the door bell. I opened it and you were leaning against the wall outside smiling. You acted as thought you never left. And I was so happy to see you. I woke up before I could hug you. But I got to see you, John. And when I woke up I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. But, I couldn't help but feel the hole in my chest from where you used to be.
John, sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I got sick this week. I got a cold. And I started to panic. I thought perhaps I might die. That I had something more. I was wondering what it would be like. The first time I got sick. And now I know that it's going to be hard. Because I will never forget how simple it was for you to leave. You didn't feel well. And then in a matter of days you were taken away. You left unannounced. Your spirit taken in the peace of your sleep. Sometimes I wonder if you felt anything at all... or if you knew. What a surprise it must have been for you as well. Was it falling asleep on earth and waking up in heaven? Might have been like a dream? Anyway, being sick alone sucked too. No one cared for me. I had to take care of myself. And Lily. I remember it was always me that got sick and never you. You bragged about your amazing immune system. I remember how jealous I would be that you could go months without getting sick and I was sick at least once a month. From working with children, Im sure. And when you did get sick it was always so short. So, maybe I should have seen the oddness of this last sickness lasting the days that it did?
John, I am making new friends. John, I might be losing some too.
Either people want to get closer to me or they want to be apart from me. To stay away from my dramatic life. My story, our story and the closeness of reality. That death happened and it happened to someone so young. And if they walked in my shoes, John... they would see there is no escape. I can't run from death. I am reminding of it every day. I am very aware of the frailty of life. And I am not trying to understand it. Because I never will. And for a person like me... that is tough. Because I have to know it all. I have to be told how and why. And no one can give me the answer.
John, I wear your ring everyday. I had to take it off this week to go to Aquatica with a friend and I couldn't stop touching the place where it belonged. You could see it belonged there because on my tan hand there is a white spot on that finger where your ring belongs. And when I got home that day I rushed to where I left it and put it back on. I felt comfortable again. You are still my fiance. And will always be that to me. I will always be connected to you. I will never cut this string connecting us. from earth to heaven. this invisible line. so strong and tight. we will be forever connected.
John, when will I start to breathe again? Will I live the rest of my life with this hollowness and pain? Will I remain on the sidelines while everyone else plays wife and mother? Will I find a love as great as yours ever again? A person that understands me as much as you? That could make me laugh as much as you? That loved every inch of my body as much as you? That told me how beautiful I was every day? That would kiss me with a thousand kisses and then beg for more? That would explore the world with me? That would love animals like me? That would stand up for beliefs like me?? That would want the same things in life as me? That would desire the simple things in life?
Could there even be another man like that out there in the world? The answer I have concluded makes me doubtful.
You were the one for me. I know you were. I loved you for everything you were and more. You were my starlight. My sunlight. My moon and stars.
Remember the story of love? That I read to you? Let me read it to you again...

"Two lovers sat on a park bench, with their bodies touching each other,
holding hands in the moonlight.
There was silence between them. So profound
was their love for each other, they needed no words to express it. And so they
sat in silence, on a park bench, with their bodies touching, holding hands in
the moonlight.
Finally she spoke. "Do you love me, John?" she asked. "You
know I love you, darling," he replied. "I love you more than tongue can tell.
You are the light of my life, my sun, moon and stars. You are my everything.
Without you I have no reason for being."
Again there was silence as the two
lovers sat on a park bench, their bodies touching, holding hands in the
moonlight. Once more she spoke. "How much do you love me, John?" she asked. He
answered: "How much do I love you? Count the stars in the sky. Measure the
waters of the oceans with a teaspoon. Number the grains of sand on the sea
shore. Impossible, you say."
"Yes and it is just as impossible for me to say
how much I love you."
"My love for you is higher than the heavens, deeper
than Hades, and broader than the earth. It has no limits, no bounds. Everything
must have an ending except my love for you."
There was more of silence as
the two lovers sat on a park bench with their bodies touching, holding hands in
the moonlight." - Samuel M. Johnson

John, I love you. I love you more than life itself. I will continue to love you. Will you continue to love me? I send you so many thoughts daily. Surely some make their way to you? And maybe when you have a chance.. you think of me too? And remember that your life on Earth was a blessing to me and those around you? That although I feel like you should have lived many many more years... the 25 that you were here were blessed because you were in them. And the 6 years of my life that had you in them were my best years of my entire life. My whole life got better once you were in it. Now I feel like I am in my worst years. Because you aren't in them. And how can I live like this? I know, surely, I can't. So, with God's help and your guidance as well... help me find my light again. And bits of happiness.

You will always be with me.

Your girl,


1 comment:

Star said...

I remember the first time I got sick when I was alone. It truly sucked. I hated it!! How did I do it before? I survived though. Like always...

I wonder as well if Roger felt any pain. Did he see the car coming? Did he try to stop the accident? Sigh... I will never know the answers unfortunately which sucks.

The hollowness will go away. I promise. I am so glad you have Lily to start to fill the spaces in your heart. John will always have a spot though. Always.