Friday, October 22, 2010

6 months

Half a year is a long time.

At least it is when your soul mate is absent from you life.

6 months ago... I didn't think I was going to survive. I didn't think it 5 months ago either... or 4 months... or 3....

and to this day sometimes I have moments where I am like "how am I going to survive without John?"

But the truth is I have done it for 6 months. And I have proven to myself I can do it.

Not that it is easy. Not that I don't have my darker days. Days where I can't get out of my bed or find pleasure in anything. Days where I cry until I pass out. Days where I have to take extra anxiety pills.

But those days are becoming less frequent.

Like many widows before me... I will survive. I will not be the owl that stares in the tree and dies. I will not shut the blinds in my home...seclude myself from the world and shut everything out. I will not force myself to not enjoy life. I will not drink my life away or turn to drugs. I will not grab a knife and cut myself or jump from the tallest building.

I choose to live.

John would want me to live.

But these past 6 months have been a true test of my strength and character. They have pushed my limits as a person and as a Christian. My soul has been attacked and many days I gave in to the anger.

6 months is just a number. It doesn't mean tomorrow I will magically start the healing process. I have a long way to go for that. But I think where I am right now is a start.

I might swallow these words later.

Because the moment I take steps forward.... I have a moment where I take steps back too. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

Sometimes it is opposite.

I used to count the days in moments of time together.... when we first dated we celebrated every month. As gay or ridiculous as others thought it might have been... we counted them. Because we always had a reason to celebrate our relationship. We gave into love. We let it take control of us... we were hooked. Every anniversary after year 1 was a big deal for us. And we always made sure to make time for each other and out do the year before.

Now I count the days that have passed without John by my side.

The last time I smelled him and touched his warm face.

The last time we kissed or held hands. The last time we snuggled in the bed together or rode in the car together. The last days of laughing and telling jokes and watching TV on the couch. The last days of riding on the boat on the lake or seeing each other's naked bodies. The last days of traveling together or eating dinner with other... or catching each other sneak a coke from the downstairs fridge. The last days of brushing our teeth in the same mirror or playing a video game together.

A week before John died I remember I taught my niece to make a wish with daffodils. And I'll be honest. I didn't make one. Because it had already been fulfilled. I had John. And I had his promise on my finger. He was to be my husband forever. That was all I had ever wished for. EVERY birthday when I blew out candles that what I wished for. Not just to be married. But to marry him specifically. When my birthday rolls around this December I am not sure what I will wish for... but Im pretty sure it will go along the lines of "please let me never have a year like 2010 ever again."
In fact. This year is getting damn annoying. I feel like I am being tormented sometimes. I even feel like holidays poke fun at me. The decorations of tombstones and ghosts are NOT cute to me. I find no comfort in these things. Can we move on already? And we can skip Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And my birthday isn't so important either. But perhaps when I sit up at midnight on December 31 I will cry because the year of 2010 will come to an end and I will have hope for a new, better year to come. One can only hope, right? And wish. On candles or daffodils. Maybe I should have made a better wish... to be a little less naive. To not take for granted what I had. Which I don't think I did necessarily... but I know that if I had have known what was to come... things would have been different. obviously.
This picture saddens me... mainly because I want to warn the Autumn in this picture of what is about to happen in my life... I want to reach out to myself and warn myself about how life is about to change. I want to tell myself to hug and hold John every minute of every day. To quit my job and spend every second with him. To tell him I love him over and over and to do all these things we love the most all in that week... and eat all the foods we love the most...
I was so care free then. The past Autumn. The Autumn before April 22. I was blowing on daffodils for goodness sake. I was dancing and laughing and smiling.
Old Autumn.
The Autumn of early 2010.
Before I was filled with fear, anxiety and torment.
I wish someone would just go ahead and invent a time machine already. I would like to go back. Back to those days..... when I had it made and didn't rely on wishes. Because my life was already a dream come true....

1 comment:

Star said...

I wish all the time I will never have a year like 2008. Except it was the best & worst year of my life. If I could just have the first half again. That is my wish. I did make a wish this year on my birthday. I wished I could have a happy marriage again. To love like that again. To be that happy again.

I think if I had a time machine, I really wouldn't want to go back. I would more likely want to go forward. I am not the same girl I was before. I slightly like this me more. But it look me a while to get here.