Tuesday, October 26, 2010

blind sided

"Please. Remember me... happily.... by the rose bush laughing." -Iron and Wine
You think I would be used to the curve balls thrown by life by now. But I still get blindsided. I still have times when I don't expect things. Like.... yesterday.

John's dad called me yesterday to let me know he wouldn't be able to hang out with me today because he had an important meeting with a client. So. I didn't go over to the house at all to visit John's family. Which really saddened me because I miss everyone so much. That was my home for such a long time. That's my family. They will always be family to me... so, not going there was hard. But, not seeing Jim wouldn't have been the same so I decided to just head home and have a night in. Which I need after a busy weekend in New York with my sister. When I got home Jim called me. He told me that Wendy's memorial was on Saturday and asked if I was going.

I kind of just sat there in shock for awhile.

Saturday is my wedding date.

There is no way I can go to a funeral on that day. That day needs to be for me. And when I told him I couldn't go I felt extremely guilty and selfish. I hung up the phone and lost it. I called my dad (who hung up on me after he said "I can't understand you....call me when you calm down") and he understood me completely. But the guilt just lingered. I cried and cried. I heaved on the bed last night and screamed out. I was tormenting myself. In my head I felt anger at Wendy for doing this... for killing herself during this time in my life. In my dad's life. For killing herself at all. For the pain it must cause her family. When she actually had a choice and John didn't. I was hurt. Jim invited me to a housewarming for Henry and Erica on Friday... and didn't bring up the fact that Saturday was very important to me. Maybe he forgot or never knew the exact date we had decided on? It was still kind of up in the air when John died. But we finalized it to Oct. 30th rather than Nov. 13th because... get this... I didn't want my anniversary to ever fall on a Friday the 13th. Im not even a superstitious person!!! I just know that numbers matter sometimes.

Im afraid of celebrating Henry and Erica's house... because I know in my head that should have been me. And with the weekend being so important to me... I.just.can't.do.it.

And although friends have been asking me what I want to do... the answer is I don't know.


Second thought.

I do know.

I want to put on my Maggie Sottero gown and walk down the aisle and see John's handsome face crying at the other end. I want to be arm in arm with my dad and looking at the faces of the most important people in my life... and then hold the hands of the most important person. John Seay. And make vows. Til' death do us part.

It parted us too soon. Before we made a vow to do so.

But, I loved John til' death without vows. I believe we made a vow to love each other forever a very very long time ago. Whether in front of 200 people or not...

I just wish I could have had the privilege to be called his wife. And all that fancy practicing of a cursive 's' for my new last name... would have gone to use. And when the time came... and this would have been probably around next year or so... started to work on having our own family together.

So. I hope no one considers me selfish for taking a weekend to myself and doing what I want to do. I really am having a hard time in my head forgiving myself for not being there for my dad. And I am so thankful that Annie and Jim have decided to be there for him. My dad is a tough man, but I know he has to be hurting. I know that I big part of him needs support just like me. Although he would never admit it. I wish I could be a better daughter and be strong for him. But I am not so strong after all. Death is my downfall now. It haunts me. And it seems to follow me wherever I go...

and I guess it's just hard to accept that death is part of life.

I just never thought it would hit me so close. So hard. So fast and unpredictable.

And last night when I was crying... I made about 15 phone calls... and who knows how many texts. I did what people tell me to do "Call me. text me. I am here for you."

I think I got about 4 responses. And there are people even today that have not responded. Another hurt.

Another pain.

My support team is minimizing.

John's death is starting to fade away in other's heads.

But not everyone.

There are many that have been thoughtful.

That remember. And pray. And send kind thoughts my way and messages of healing.

Words of encouragment.

They ask me to dinner or come over to watch TV with me. They offer to watch Lily while I go visit my sister or take me to a movie.

They sit up and talk to me on the phone while I just cry and cry.

Or they just sit there in the awkward silence just so I feel less alone.

I had a student come up to me today and say "Im sorry for your loss... " she hugged me. you could tell she was nervous to say it... but was SO genuine when she did. Sara.

Nicole had told her after she saw me crying the other day.

Most of the time I am pretty good at keeping myself from crying at school.

The kids are very therapeutic for the most part. There are some that know. Most don't. But they are not completely blind to the fact of when you are sad. And being goofy middle schoolers they only want to make you laugh again. Because when I was in middle school life was like that. It wasn't so serious. As much as we thought it was. I wish I could go back to those more ignorant days. They say it's bliss, after all.

When only really old people passed away and the biggest worry you had was if your crush liked you back.

I always talk about wanting to go back in time.

My friend, Star, brought up a good point though... that she could go forward in time.

But, for me.. I am still so uncertain about that future that I would want to know how I got there. I am scared I am going to end up alone and bitter forever. That my wounds won't ever completely heal and that I will never find anyone to live up to my "John standards."

Going back in time makes me feel like I could be a superhero and change it all.

I dream about going back A LOT.

John is very present in my dreams and I am ALWAYS trying to save him in time.

My dreams have become my own personal time machine/torture device because when I wake up the truth of the matter is.... it was only a dream and it can't be changed.



Brooke Simmons said...

I am sending you hugs and well wishes...I lost my husband 4 months ago and everything you expressed has run through my thoughts a time or two. I experience a lot of guilt these days (just blogged about it the other day in fact) so I'm not going to tell you to not feel guilty- as most people probably will. I am just going to say that I "get it" and completely understand feeling guilty and selfish.

The Boggs' said...

I'll never forget and I'll never stop praying for you. Think bout you more than you know. xoxox.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure that words from a stranger will help. I stumbled accross your post a few months back, I've read your story and I want you to know... that although I've never posted before. I follow your story here on your blog. (I almost wrote "I follow you" and that would have been completely creepy. lol) I care about you. And in this time, when I think you need to hear it, I'm praying for you. I pray for you to find peace. For you to find bits of happiness daily. For you to find your "groove" in life. I pray for your heart to heal in a way that allows you to let in love again and not fear pain. I pray for your future. I pray that its bright, and full of life, and smiles and that your "next biggest dream" becomes your reality. I pray for you everyday. For you to find your "Spring" in your Autumn life. And I wanted you to know, that although you don't know me and I don't know you (nor do I honestly don't even remember how I came to find you)... I'm here too. You have a support system that you don't even know about, and I am praying. Prayers don't go unanswered, they may not come in our timing, but they come in our God's.

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You. May The Lord Make His Face to Shine Upon You. And Give You Peace.


Autumn said...

KFP- your words are so encouraging to me. i appreciate your prayers and support and i take everything you say to heart. i truly believe in the power of prayer. i hope you continue to stay connected...

Star said...

I think for me I always have hope that some point in the future I know things will be better. They have to be. Whether I am alone or married, I will be better at some point in the future and be able to smile at every thought of Roger. At some point, the tears will not come unexpectedly and I will be what I define as Strong.

I know you stopped taking some of your meds but I think most people have no idea what this feels like. How to deal with this. Yes, meds aren't the answer but they can be the crutch to get you through until you can stand on your own.

Please please please get yourself back into counseling. Your job has to offer some sort of assistance program.