Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"So, how's your job?"

this is the question I get constantly.
It's the only thing people can come up with sometimes. Or all the time.
At FMEA Convention last week it was all I ever heard when someone came up to me. I guess that can be expected at a band director's convention. I mean everyone is talking about their job. But honestly it's sometimes the only thing people know how to discuss with me comfortably.
I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND if one more person asked me. I guess I thought there might be more things to discuss?? But then I thought about it and all that's on anyone's mind when they see me is John. John's death and my life. I want to answer the questions that they are afraid to ask.

"How does it feel ?"--- horrible. it feels unreal. it feels like my life ended and i have to rebuild it from nothing.

"Are you ok?"-- I'm better. I am up and down. I have good days. I have bad days. And I have MISERABLE days. But, I am progressing. I have come far since April.

"How long are you going to wear your ring?"--- until another person comes along that deserves for me to take it off. and even then maybe not.

"Do you still talk to his family?" --- Yes. We are extremely close still. And we always will be. They are MY family too.

"Do you think you will date again?"--- I actually have kind of started this process. Well, in a weird way. I am not OFFICIALLY dating anyone. I am seeing people here and there but I am in no way close to having a relationship. I am still healing. If someone amazing comes along... then we will see.

"What happened to him?"--- he died from a rare virus called myocarditis. It was sudden and unexpected. Yes, I found him. Yes, it has traumatized me. But I truly believe John left this world as peaceful as one could leave it. And the happiest.

"Are you seeing a counselor?"--- Well. no. I was. And then I wasn't. I will be seeing one starting next week. It's hard finding a good counselor. One that understands you and that you have a strong relationship with. It's just as tough as dating.

"Were the holidays hard?"--- Yes, they were painful. The anticipation of them was even more painful because I knew what was coming. Except New Years. That was awful and I thought it would be easier than it was. I have to overcome a lot of "firsts" without John and each one of them is a hurdle.

"Can I do something?" --- Yes. First, you can pray. Second, you can call me, text me, write me... and most important... get your ass over here and visit! I appreciate the company. We don't have to do anything fancy. Just sit with me, talk with me and make me less lonely.

"How do you do it?"--- Losing John wasn't a choice. No one would ever ask for this type of pain and grief. I carry this burden daily without any previous knowledge of how to handle it. It's new to me. It's not easy. Being a widow does NOT come with a handbook and so I am going to make mistakes. Please be patient. I "do it" because I have to. Because I refuse to sit around and wait to die. Because I choose to live. For John and for myself.

So, if I missed some questions please leave them for me and I will answer them for you. I will answer honestly and to the best of my ability. Do not be afraid to ask me about my life. Because as much as I hate it, this is part of my life. And will be forever.

And to answer the question "how's your job?"

It's great! I love my job and I love my kids. I love my associate, Nicole and I love my school. I think God put this opportunity in my life for a reason and I grateful for it. It has literally saved me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

Don't take the job question too personally - people ask me that question all the time....just one of those questions people ask; kind of like how people in my state ask about the weather all the time (especially in the winter because it SUCKS!!)

I do have a suggestion regarding your ring - perhaps at some point you could move it to another finger. I'm just thinking that a future dating prospect might not ask you out as the ring on the left hand says "not available".