Friday, April 5, 2013

John's 28th birthday

I am very aware of how un-normal (not normal?... anti-normal?) my life is.

It's not normal for a 29 year old young woman to bake a cake for her deceased fiance.
Because having a deceased 25 year old fiance just isn't normal. 

It's not normal for her current wonderful, amazing boyfriend to help her bake and decorate it every year. 
Because guys are generally weirded out and threatened by anyone else. Especially someone you were once engaged to. Especially someone you still love.

It's not normal for Ryan to call me up and be like "hey, do you need me to go pick up any ingredients for the cake?" and then come home with extra decorating items and be like "this will look really nice... look at these cool silver sprinkles I found..."

Sometimes I have to stop and think....


This is now my normal.
This is the deck I was dealt. 
This is who I am... who I have become... who Ryan has accepted me as.

And today is a special day.

For two reasons, of course.

First... it's John's birthday. 

Here is the cake I made him this year: 

Ryan did a lot of the decorating. 5 candles to represent the 5th of April.
It's the recipe I have been using since John's 20th birthday ... seen here:
It was his absolute favorite. (this coming from two people who weren't big "cake eaters." So I definitely held on to the recipe for the future. 

The second reason today is special is because it was also on John's 25th birthday that he decided to ask me to be his wife. It was such a beautiful day and one of the MOST memorable days of my life. Even though he passed away 17 days later.... I know that we were both in the happiest days of our life prior to that. 

And with that being said I can always look back on April 5th as a beautiful day... not a day of sorrow... but a day of celebration. Of love and life and hope. 
I have had some good cries today. 
But I have also smiled. 

And now I am going to throw my diet to the wind and have a slice of cake in honor of John Richard DeBarr Seay.


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