Thursday, May 2, 2013

April still sucks

It's May 2nd.
I missed my annual "I hate you April" blog post.

To be honest my health issues have gotten in the way... and therefore I am constantly tired... and therefore even blogging can take a lot out of me.
On a positive note though I am having better days now health wise. I am not having CONSTANT dizziness and I am starting to feel normal again.

But April was hard again.

April was harder.

April sucks.

Fuck April.

Of course on April 22nd, 2013 it was the three year anniversary of losing my John.
Each year I fear more and more people will forget about him. I fear less people will remember. It worries me.
I don't want John to be forgotten.
I took the day off as I usually do... and I spent it with Ryan.
It wasn't what I had imagined in my mind... sitting down next to a lake and releasing doves in the air. Half the day was doctor's appointments.

I survived another milestone.
I have come so far.
I honestly think that John would be proud. I honestly think this is where he would want me to be...  for the most part.

Two days after April 22nd I got a phone call from John's sister, Annie.
She asked if I had spoken to anyone and asked if Ryan was around.
That always means bad news.
I sat on the couch.... my heart already racing... the room starting to spin.
I get into major panic attack mode anytime gets this serious.
And my gut was correct.
John's sister-in-law, Liz, has a step dad named Alan. Every year he cooks the most AMAZING Thanksgiving dinner for us at the Seays.
And Annie had called to tell me he had passed away.

The day after his 50th birthday.
2 days after John's death day.

It was terribly sad and overwhelming.
All I could think about was his wife, Deb. (who I have known for about 7 years now..)
Deb and Alan are my family.
I do not know any better.
These people are my life.

But your mind completely changes when you lose someone you love.
You think about the person who was left behind.
And all I could think about was how Deb was dealing with it all.
Her first night sleeping alone... was she eating?? Could she even brush her teeth? Did she go through his closet to pick out his last outfit? What kind of hard decisions was she having to make about arrangements and saying goodbye?

It was really hard to go see her.
But I really wanted to.

I couldn't believe I entered the house without crying.
And I can't believe I was so strong when Liz (John's sister in law) held me sobbing on my shoulder.
I felt for once I was the comforter.

But then i saw Deb.
And my knees almost buckled.
That "strong" Autumn melted away and I lost it.
And the first thing she said (after some tears) was this:

"Fuck April. We are getting shirts that say Fuck April."

And then we laughed.
And then we cried.


fuck. april.

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