And today was a hard day. I have them ...hard days. I have many of them. This is just one of many. But it was harder than most.
Where do I even begin?
First, the emptiness is sinking in. The friends are all around. They are staying as connected as possible. But, I know they have their own lives to live. And mine is still at a hault. It has taken some different directions. But that's about it. It's like turning around but not taking any steps forward. Just stagnant. In the same place... turning circles. And flipping upside down. Is this reality? Is that what my world has come to? My life? From complete joy to complete tragedy. No in between. But two extremes. That plays a heavy toll on the soul and body. And both of mine are exhausted.
I woke up this morning to the news that one of my now roommates got a job. Yay, right? Finally! Oh wait. She got a job in SARASOTA. Um, fucking sweet. So. Now it will be just me and Kelly. Which I am fine with. I love Kelly. But I love Andrea too. I was really looking forward to living with both of them. Losing one to Sarasota gives me intense fear that I will be losing the other one too. Mainly because they are twins and they never separate from each other.
Call me selfish for feeling this way. I know that is how I am being. I hate myself for feeling this way. That I am dragging others to stay with me so I don't have to suffer alone. But even the thought of living alone (not to mention paying for this apartment by myself) makes me panic. When I found out about Andrea I cried. Then we went out to lunch... and I cried some more. I cried because I will miss her. I will miss what we had started here... I will miss the things that I had planned in my mind for our future. So, there you go again! I did exactly what I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. Plan.
Because once again my plans fail me. And what I see in my mind isn't what comes out in the end.
Another instability in my life. It just wasn't what I had hoped for. But meanwhile, I should be happy Andrea got a job. That she will still beable to pay her part of the rent. And that she can get a start on paying off all her schools loans she accumulated.
I went to John's parents today. I know when I got there what to expect.
1) a check from the "rent" John and I paid while living there
2) to see John's urn
3) to get my John necklace
4) an unknown surprise
When I entered Jim's office he reminded me the urn would be there and not to be shocked. Of couse I knew it was there. I have prepared myself mentally to see it. And there it was. A beautiful woden box with a treble clef on it. (John probably would have wanted a bass clef. ha). I was taken aback some. And in my head I had to remind myself... it's just ashes.... it's not really John. John is in heaven. John is in my heart. But as Jim started talking to me all I could do was stare at this box. What was left of my wonderful, smart, funny, sweet, handsome fiance was stuffed into a box.
Then I was handed my necklace. It's beautiful, of course. Some of John's ashes were put inside. I know for some people that may be weird... but for me it's a part of my healing process. He is now closer to my heart. Physically. Although I know he will be there forever spiritually. A necklace doesn't have to prove that. Here is a picture of the necklace which I now where and will be there for quite some time.
I had curiosity when Jim gave me the necklace. Because he was the one that had filled it. Probably not an easy task for a father to do but one he insisted on. I asked what the ashes looked like. I wanted to know. Hesaid they looked like what you would expect. Ash. I mean, I don't know what other answer I was expecting. I guess to me just seeing thebox isn't enough. Part of me wants to peek inside and see that they are actually there. The remains of John. No longer that smiling, tall man with blood running through his veins and air in his lungs. But ash. As simple as that.
One thing that surprised me the most when I received itwas my check for the rent savings we had saved up while living at his parents. It wasn't so much since John didn't always pay and I wasn't always so consistent. Looking at the check was emotional. This was supposed to bethe money gong towards our future together as a COUPLE. Savings for our future home together. I was almost filled with guilt. And I don't exactly why... I just feel this money belongs to US. And John should be sharing it with me.
Jim and Sarah's surprise was the most emotional of all for me. I don't know why but I just get choked up when people give. Especiallu Jim and Sarah. They are the most giving people I haveever met...
when I opened the silver gift bag inside was one of my dreams. I's been on my christmas list and something I wouldn't shut up to John forever. A professional Nikon camera! I had almost bought one after we got engaged because I figured it was finally a good excuse to get one. I was overjoyed. Not only did get the camera but Jim is paying for me to get photography lessons/classes. Now I can make good use of the equiptment. After John died... I have stopped taking photos. I mean, I have taken a couple. But if you ever see my facebook...I take A LOT of pictures. I felt like when John died there was nothing worth taking a photo of. But this camera will inspire meto have a hobby and take photos of the more beautiful things in life. I am looking forward to a good excuse to use it.