Friday, July 30, 2010

Sleeping Alone

Last night I slept alone for the first time since John's death.
I slept with a small lamp on. So, it wasn't completely dark... but I was alone. No one in the bed but me. There was an empty place next to me. The place where John should be. The pillow where he should be resting his head. But it was just me. The sound of a new stand up fan from Wal Mart. It was another step. In a direction I don't like going in. But, I have no choice. I have to take steps... because the last thing I want to do is stay here in this place.
John was around my neck while I slept last night. I haven't taken him off yet. The weight of the necklace is comforting... like it belongs there.
I held on to Waldy all night. He shuffles through the bed as I toss and turn. He doesn't always end up where he starts... but he also remains in the bed next to me. Sometimes I spritz him with John's colognes. It isn't the same. There is something about cologne and the way it mixes with a person's skin and sweat that makes it unique to them. Waldy being mainly polyester.. won't have that same effect.

Since John and I started dating I have always hated sleeping alone.
When he would leave for a weekend with TCI or be gone doing something... I dreaded the nights. I would usually stay up and catch up on TV shows, play video games, or read. I always lit a candle. And I let it burn all night. I would wake up in the mornings and the candle would still be lit...and totally liquidated. I would call him and make him stay up and talk to me until I got tired. He would basically be faling asleep on the phone. We would say I love you a million times. I would call again sometimes just to say it once more. I think after awhile he expected this. He knew one goodbye was never enough. I would wait sometimes just seconds before re-dialing his number and saying again once more how much I missed him and loved him. Call me pathetic or whatever... but I hated being away from his side. We were attached at the hip. We were magnatized.... stuck by a force called eternal love. And I will love him eternally.

Tomorrow I will be getting Cecilia back.
That was our cat.
We found her... John and me. In Tallahassee.
She was ours. She was our baby. She was one of the first things that belonged to "us."
So, tomorrow night I won't be sleeping alone. I will have her.


No comments: