Sunday, August 1, 2010


This is Cecilia. She is now keeping me company in my bed. When John and I lived in our apartment in Orlando we had a night ritual with her. We would turn out the lights in the room and call her. She would run in and lay right between our heads. By the end of the night she would end up on my pillow. It was a routine that I loved. And it never failed. She slept with us every night.... sometimes in different spots. But always in the bed with us.

This weekend I got to spend some time with wonderful people. Some people that go through what I have been through can't stand being around others. But I don't mind. I feel like when I am around people I get distracted from my lonliness. There is a break in silence and always something to occupy my mind. It doesn't mean I don't zone out sometimes. Because I do that a lot too. And I still cry publicly. Everyday. It doesn't matter where I am. And I could care less who is around.
Friday morning I went to a dedication of an AED device at a park where my friend Nicolle lost her husband. His heart stopped and if there had been an AED device present he might still be alive. Nicolle never got a clear answer to why Bryan died. Most heart cases come out this way. We know John died from myocarditis... and they only way he would have lived through was finding out in advance and getting an emergency heart transplant. The dedication was wonderful. It was nice to see Nicolle and Bryan's family. It was nice to be around people that understood. That evening I had dinner with Liz's mom, Deb. Liz is John's sister-in-law who now lives in NYC. Her mom Deb is such a fun mom. The kind that everyone wants to have. She and I had drinks and ate appetizers and had great talks. Her mom makes me still feel connected. She comforts me in knowing that I will always be a part of the family.
Last night was Marie's birthday. Marie is Jeremy's g/f. And Jeremy is a close friend to John. And of course, they are both friends of mine. It was a large group and I think I did rather well. I was socialable and I laughed genuinely at the table. I didn't leave once to cry in the bathroom. I think the sangria might have helped. I would sometimes glance over at Jeremy and Marie. Mirror images of me and John. Not all couples are to me. But they are. She's much sweeter than me, in my opinion... but Jeremy is like John.. funny, and loving. You can tell he really loves Marie. It's sweet and at the same time kills me. Watching others in love rips my heart apart. Over and over again my heart rips.
One of my favorite lyrics from a Postal Service song is "your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."
Even though that song is about a couple separating from each other... the lyrics make sense. Every day my heart tries to mend itself. And everyday I rip the sutures out. Whether it is from watching other couples, going through John's things, looking at pictures or watching old videos... the pain of it all won't stop. It's not going to heal for some time. And if i everdoes... what a huge scar I am going to carry. John will always be ahuge part of my life.

I suck at getting things done now. I am sure I mentioned it before but I feel like I am getting worse. I am an organized person. I make lists and check them off. Lately I make lists and it will take me days to get things checked off. Everything exhausts me. I had "go to the bank" on my list for several days. I finally went on Friday. I considered it a big deal. When I unpack one box I take a break. I sit down and eat a snack or lay in my bed and listen to music or watch TV. Calling people is one of the biggest things I slack at. And emailing/replying to facebook messages. I have made it a priority to write back to anyone that has sent me a message on facebook. When it all began I had over 50 messages to reply to... that is not counting the hundreds of wall posts! I still keep getting the messages. I still getmessages from people who are still finding out about John. I know... one minute my life is wonderful and perfect. I'm engaged and in love and planning things and having fun. The next my world is shattered. My wall once filled with "congratulations!!!" is suddenly flooded with "Im so sorry... I am praying for you." All within 17 days. From one huge extreme to another.
Outside our apartment door are boxes and boxes. Empty. Most labeled Autumn and John. Now trash. But I have no energy (or room in my car) to start taking them to the dump.

My sleep schedule is still a bit off although I am finding myself more tired at night and willing to sleep at an earlier hour each day.

Tomorrow I want to get as much stuff possible checked off my list. I am determined to be productive. I have to be. I need to be. This lethargic way of life isn't me. But then again this life in general doesn't feel like me anyway. I am re-finding myself. And it's confusing. I am starting all over. I feel like I have gone backwards. Single woman. Living with roommates (the same ones I had in college.) Going out, drinking, etc. I would much rather be settled down on a cozy couch watching TV with John.
So, here's to a productive day tomorrow and hopefully something pleasant and unexpected along the way.


Star said...

Don't pressure yourself too much to get everything done on your list. There will always be things to do but don't be too hard on yourself (Pot, meet black. Black, meet Pot).

I understand feeling like your are going backwards. I struggle with this feeling a lot!!!

Autumn said...

My lists are what keep me going sometimes. Like a false sense of importance in the day.