Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Today I asked Kelly this question... "Kelly, how would you feel if I died?"

I got two responses. One was understandable. She said sad.

The next was unexpected. She said relieved!!!!

My jaw dropped and Kelly started stumbling back on her words.

"You want me to die?!"

"No!!! No that's totally not what I meant!!!"

*me staring at her in total shock*

"I just mean I know you would be back with John."

I couldn't believe this is where the question went. Am I THAT pathetic that people see me better off if I were dead? Kelly reassured me this wasn't the case. But, talk about a word. Relieved. really? bad choice.

I know what she means though. She means that if I were to die...that I wouldn't be alone. I would have John and I would reunite with the love of my life. I get it. MIsery over. But she then concluded to say that she thinks my life will go on and that it will one day be whole again.

Eating with two widows today made me realize that this could be a possibility.

Nicolle and Star.

Both women had their tragedies happen not too far apart from each other. Kind of like my relationship with Andi. They have different stories. Nicolle's similar to mine. Star lost her husband in an unfortunate car accident. They are "true" widows. Wedding bands, paperwork, husband's last name. They give me a peek into the future. Both a couple years away from thier losses. Both dating. Both with different perspectives but extremely insightful. Both give me hope that their IS that future. That I don't need to feel like the only way to be happy again is to wait to die and see John. All three of us sat in a restaurant and chatted and chatted until literally we were kicked out. Then we walked outside and chatted some more. Even though I just met Star today I am already opening up to her more than I can some of my closest friends because she can relate 100%. That's what it is. As I have said before. It's the club that noone wants to be in. But if you happen to find yourself in it... there are people that are there to guide you through and reassure you that happiness isn't lost. There may never be a woman with my exact story. But a loss is a loss. And for a widow... the biggest thing we need is someone else. Someone who can relate more than just "I lost my grandma when she was 90."or "my goldfish died when I was 10" or "my boyfriend broke up with me once."

And I have found these women. These strong (I know we hate that word), determined, caring, beautiful women. Andi, Nicolle, Jennifer, Star... and several others I have met along the way. I don't know how exactly I would be coping without them. The lonliness would practically be unbearable.

Thank God for them.

I sort of feel a little bad that my blog has turned into this downer blog. I mean, I originally meant to use it to post memories of John. And I do. And will. And I want to write so many more. I sometimes wonder where to start. At the beginning? At the end? Just snipets that pop into my head from time to time? In any order at all?

Anyway, I must sound like the saddest person in the world because once I start typing in he blog I sort of let loose all the emotions I have held in all day. But, I can't that I am not guilty of smiling everyday. Or laughing. Because somehow I can still do it. And I can't say I am not guilty of eating a pint of ice cream tonight. :( Fuuuccckk.

But John loved my smile.

He loved to make me laugh.

And he would have had a pint too.

So, I know that he would totally get it.
And just in case you forgot how I laugh... it's like this. Pure laughter.
Those girls are my roommates. Kelly all the way to the right (contagiously laughing at me as usual) and Andrea in the middle (probably trying to figure out what is so damn funny).
And me. Animated with hand on chest. So dramatic. But totally honest.
Believe it or not. I can still laugh like that.
They may not be as frequest. But they are there.
Rule #1 when finding a suitable man. He MUST make me laugh.

the best medicine of all.

1 comment:

Star said...

It was awesome to meet you as well and find someone who can relate. While listening to your story, my heart broke for you and for a moment I forgot that I could so easily relate. It totally helps to have others to talk to though.

You will find someone one day. There will always be part of your heart and mind that remains dedicated to John but our hearts are bigger than we think.