Wednesday, August 4, 2010

oh what a world.

Today was weird. It wasn't just weird but it was also pretty unreal.
It started out with me going to a counselor (a new one) at the Hospice of the Comforter down in Altamonte. The session went well. It was basically me telling my story and getting some feedback. Judy, my counselor, is very sweet. I like her a lot and I can already tell she is better fit than the woman I had before. She gave me a lot of resources to read over and she made sure I was comfortable. I wasn't afraid to cry in front of her. I told her every once of details I could. The only thing I might have kept from her were my strong passionate feelings for John. I don't have enough time in a session to describe how crazy in love I was with him. I think she got it though.
She was pleased I am blogging. She even handed me some journal writing prompts which I might start using. Or use all at once. She mentioned that when she lost her mom she felt the need to write down all the details of the days leading up to her death all the way through to after the funernal.
I eventually will write about this.

After my session I started to drive home. I was at a red light waiting to turn on to 436 when I heard a loud sound... metal on metal... and tires screaching. In front of me a car is spinning across the road... almost hitting me. The other car zooms past my left side. The urge to run out of the car and help is overwhelming. The urge to pee my pants is too. I park my car in a fast food lot next to the road and call 911. Everyone looks to be fine. Shooken up but no one is hurt. Well, one girl did pass out and Im sure scraped her knees up on the concrete when she fell. But everyone was fine. I stayed around to see if the police needed to talk to me. Eventually I figured I wasn't needed and left. It's been a long time since I have seen an accident. It was not a day I wanted to see one. I had just got done crying my eyes out in front of a stranger about losing John. I was already fragile and recovering from my recollection of the worst day of my life. Seeing the action made me once again aware of how fragile our lives are. But, once everyone was okay I started to wonder. How could they possibly survive that but John couldn't survive just laying down to take a nap?

I kept driving. Then I get a phone call from John's mom.
It's news I had been dreading.
The day before I had found out that Edgar's brother, Jesus, was in the hospital in critical condition after getting hit in the side playing with one of his brothers.
Edgar is John's brother in law. Annie's husband.
Jesus has a condition where his skin and blood and organs are very fragile. I think something close to hemophlia?
So, he had a lot of internal bleeding in his body and organs.
When Sarah called she had told me that Jesus had passed away.

All of this within one car ride home.
I was once again... in a state of shock. How can all of this happen in a span of 3 months?
Later on tonight Annie texted me and said that Jesus had not died. That there was a miscommunication and that Jesus is on life support.
Talk about weird. I had gone through half of my day grieving for someone who hasn't died. That is still here and living on Earth. But, the doctors are not giving the family any good news. I am doing all I can to stay on the positiveside of this. If he is still here then he is still fighting. The doctors said yesterday he had a 50/50 chance and they told his mom to start making preparations. Well, that isn't very reassuring at all. That doesn't sound like a 50/50 chance to me.
So, Jesus is in critical condition and I am just sitting around anxiously awaiting a call. Any news. Good news.

What is happening in the world around me?
This doesn't seem real.
My life doesn't feel the slighest bit real anymore.

I got the call.
Just now. I got the news. Jesus has gone to heaven.
Im sure John will be greeting him. There will be no more misunderstanding of language. They will speak in a language they both can understand. No spanish to english translations.

Over 3 months ago I was someone who planned ahead in advance and always had something to look forward to in the future.
Now I live one day at a time. And sometimes that it as far as I can get. And I think that's all I will be able to do right now.

1 comment:

Star said...

I ask the same question a lot. Roger was healthy and took great care of himself. How come he didn't survive? I met a kid my first semester back full time in school who had survived a car crash when he & some friends had been driving drunk. It made me so angry that he was perfectly fine and I lost Roger.

Thanks for staying around for those people. So many people don't stop.

Also, glad to hear you found a counselor you like. And glad you are blogging :D